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Today, my family and I were coming back from a trip to the US. As we reached the border patrol we realized that we were one passport short. The border patrol lectured us for 30 minutes about how irresponsible we were for not realizing that they had forgotten to give us one of our passports back. FML

by Anonymous / 08/09/2009 at 12:02am / United States (New York) / Holidays

Today, I made the "Good luck, We'll miss you!" sign for my own going away party. FML

by loverpants / 08/14/2009 at 4:46pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went with my girlfriend to her ex-boyfriend's house party. She got incredibly drunk and I spent the whole night looking after her when she was throwing up. In the brief moment before she passed out she said "thanks Matt, you're a great boyfriend." Matt is her ex. FML

by Anonymous / 08/17/2009 at 1:43pm / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Love

Today, it was my 21st birthday. All my friends showed up at my house already drunk, so I had to be the designated driver. FML

by thedd / 08/18/2009 at 12:44am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was told by my grandfather that I was no longer allowed to visit him or to set foot in his house. Why? He found out I have been taking Japanese and German as electives in my degree, so I must be an 'enemy spy'. FML

by Frazz / 06/10/2013 at 1:09am / Australia (Queensland) / Work

Today, my boss asked me how my parents' divorce affected me as a child. This is a sensitive subject, but I thought he was trying to connect with me so I told him how much it hurt. Turns out he wants to leave his wife and wanted to know if his kids would turn out "messed up" because of it. FML

by Anonymous / 08/27/2009 at 12:12am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was cutting the grass when I saw a man staring at me from my neighbor's garage. This went on for 5 minutes until I finally yelled 'hello'. There was no response, and I was creeped out, so I called my neighbor. It was a life-sized Paul McCartney cutout. FML

by cachow / 09/06/2009 at 12:35am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, it was the first day of my job at a kindergarten. A boy fell over in the playground, so I ran over to see if he was OK. He got up and had a huge red mark on the side of his face. Shocked, I yelled "Oh my god, your face!" Turns out it's a very large port-wine birthmark and now he won't stop crying. FML

by GhettoBeast / 09/08/2009 at 12:42am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Kids

Today, I told my mother that I'm pregnant. She went off screaming at me about how I shouldn't be having sex. I am 25 and have been happily married for 3 years. FML

by Confused / 09/15/2009 at 5:58am / United States (Hawaii) / Intimacy

Today, I got a new cell phone. I was unable to retrieve my old contact list from my old phone, so I sent out a mass email asking my friends to "Give me your contact info, unless you don't want me to text/call you!" No one is responding. FML

by Anonymous / 09/21/2009 at 9:28am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was notified that I've been going to the wrong courses for 4 weeks. A friend of mine was the only person to tell me that the administration had taken the privilege to change my courses. I have now failed 5 courses due to absences and have been suspended from college for 6 months. FML

by Alex / 09/30/2009 at 2:46am / Belgium (Brussels Hoofdstedelijk Gewest) / Work

Today, I told my dad that I have a very serious drinking problem and that I need to go to rehab because I can't stop on my own. He told me that I just need to make new friends and suggested I join a sorority. FML

by Anonymous / 09/24/2009 at 10:34am / United States (Kansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I picked my car up from the shop. After 5 minutes I noticed the oil and check engine light on. I pulled over, then the engine shut off completely. Turns out they forgot to put oil back in my car. I'll be needing a new engine. FML

by cartrouble / 10/02/2009 at 1:51am / United States (Georgia) / Transportation