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Today, an old man walked up to me, said, "Hey missy, you wanna see an antique?" and winked. FML

by noantiquesforme / 03/30/2015 at 2:39pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I explained to my sister that the reason she isn't getting job offers is probably because her résumé is in Comic Sans and contains TXT language and a lot of typos. She thanked me for my help by calling me a "clueless horse-fucker" and telling me to shut my mouth. FML

by Anonymous / 04/03/2015 at 2:43pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, a customer yelled at me because the cherry pie he bought had cherries in it, and he wanted a refund. FML

by IrNatalie / 06/02/2015 at 4:59am / United States (Arizona) / Work

Today, I brought my girlfriend home to introduce to my parents. My dad thought it would be hilarious to fill some clear bags full of flour, then pretend he was sampling a cocaine shipment when she arrived. She excused herself very quickly and isn't answering my calls. FML

by a critically injured shitehawk / 04/25/2015 at 6:34am / United Kingdom (York) / Love

Today, my dad woke me up at 5am saying that there was dog shit on the carpet. I thought it was just a clever ruse to get me into the living room for a birthday surprise. It wasn't. There really was dog shit that I had to clean up, with no "Happy birthday"s even uttered. FML

by 21ShitCleaner / 04/21/2015 at 8:51am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "God" told her to. I guess "God" didn't have any problems with me buying dinner first. FML

by wil / 04/25/2015 at 1:55pm / United States (Tennessee) / Love

Today, I attempted to break the record for the heaviest squat in my local gym. A small crowd witnessed me breaking the record as well as releasing a huge fart. FML

by YuckyDuckyLucky / 06/03/2015 at 1:36pm / Norway (Oslo) / Health

Today, my mother asked me how pasta is harvested. She actually thought it grew out of the ground. FML

by a / 05/12/2015 at 12:37pm / United Kingdom (Windsor and Maidenhead) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was about to leave for my honeymoon with my new husband, when he saw my deodorant in my bag. He picked it up and asked what it was. When I said it was deodorant, he gave me a confused look and said "girls don't wear deodorant". He actually believed that. FML

by stanky / 06/19/2015 at 10:47am / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, we had a long meeting at work about how we are supposed to feel safe, and to come to the managers if we have any problems. I decided to speak up about a coworker that has been harassing me and several others. My manager laughed at me and walked away. FML

by nevergiveinever / 07/01/2015 at 9:44am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after I drove two hours to his house, because he wanted to do it face to face. Then told me that if I wanted, we could have sex one last time, but I would have to leave right after, otherwise it would be weird. FML

by bonzo / 06/22/2015 at 10:41am / Australia (Western Australia) / Intimacy

Today, my new antidepressants finally kicked in. I switched to them to try to control my anxiety. Turns out that the most common side effect, funnily enough, is nervousness. Guess I should've done more research. FML

by BigHelp / 07/07/2015 at 8:52pm / United States (Colorado) / Health

Today, for some reason entirely beyond my knowledge, Siri referred to me as "Sugartits". FML

by anonymous / 07/19/2015 at 9:23pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous