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Today, I was undressing for my girlfriend. I thought I was being all smooth and sexy, until I went to sit on the side of the bed and beckon her over. Instead, I sat heavily on my balls, screamed, then fell off the bed sobbing like a girl. FML

by Anonymous / 08/25/2015 at 3:32am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I went to my girlfriend's job to surprise her for lunch, her manager said she hasn't worked on a Saturday in two months. FML

by WhoLikesPie / 07/25/2015 at 11:51am / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I realised that my closeted gay friend has dated more women this year than I have in my 28 years of life. FML

by Anonymous / 08/08/2015 at 8:03pm / United Kingdom (North Somerset) / Love

Today, in the second week of August, hell has come to earth; my mom has been playing Christmas music all afternoon and is already searching online for decorations. I hope she buys a length of rope to go with them, because I've already given up on life. FML

by brbkillingmyself / 08/08/2015 at 6:52pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I got the last clean bowl out of the cupboard for a bowl of cereal. After I had finished, my family asked me if I had cleaned it first. It turns out that that specific bowl is apparently the dog's, and everyone just puts it back after feeding him. FML

by NoOrdinaryNZer / 07/27/2015 at 5:25am / New Zealand (Bay of Plenty) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend tried to claim it was my fault that he cheated on me, all because I "deprived" him of sex for two weeks last month when I went on a family vacation. If his mental gymnastics were physical, I swear he'd be able to suck his own cock. FML

by Anonymous / 08/05/2015 at 1:35pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I went to reach for a long piece of lint next to my dryer. It was a snake. FML

by StillLoveMyDogs / 09/09/2015 at 3:34am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, a cute guy approached me at a nightclub. I was really excited, until he drunkenly slurred "Babe, I'd suck the farts from your asshole!" and then threw up everywhere. FML

by Brooke / 08/14/2015 at 12:50pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my only pair of shoes that I brought got stolen at the airport while I was being checked by security. I'm now stuck 1000 miles from home with no shoes. FML

by NOOOOOO / 08/16/2015 at 7:18pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I went on a blind date with a friend of a friend. It went okay, so we exchanged numbers. An hour later, he started messaging me, asking for pictures of my poop. What.. the... hell? FML

by Anonymous / 08/25/2015 at 2:31pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that I won't be able to attend my own wedding, because I'll be in a mandatory training class that doesn't allow people to take vacation for any reason. So now we've wasted $10,000, and I can't even fly home for one day. All because I got promoted unexpectedly. FML

by Anonymous / 08/28/2015 at 4:05pm / Italy (Friuli-Venezia Giulia) / Work

Today, on a nature hike, covered in poison oak rashes from the day before, I accidentally stepped on a hornets' nest. I'm now covered in hornet stings and I can't scratch the poison oak because I might accidentally touch the stings. FML

Today, at work, my coworker's belongings went missing. Infuriated, she accused me of stealing, because I'm black and "stereotypes don't just make themselves." FML

by Quicky5_ / 11/03/2015 at 1:58am / United States (Alabama) / Work