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Today, I thought I'd finally make a step towards getting over my ex-fiancé by flirting with a cute waiter. I left him a note on the bill. He comes back, says "which one of you is [name]?" and leans down close to me to say, "Thanks for your note, but your card was declined." FML

by Mel / 05/23/2009 at 2:43am / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, while working at a fast food restaurant, I stayed a little overtime to help my manager with dishes. A kid pooped in the slide in the playground area attached to the restaurant itself. I'm the smallest one there. I had to crawl UP the slide to find and clean the poop. FML

by donezo / 06/26/2009 at 1:43am / United States (Minnesota) / Work

Today, I went on a blind date a girl from work had set me up with. Apparently my co-worker thinks I'm gay. FML

by Anonymous / 06/28/2009 at 12:51am / United States (Indiana) / Love

Today, I was supposed to work with this girl I really like but I had the flu really bad. I really really wanted to see her so I forced myself out of bed and went to work feeling terrible but determined to see her face. When I got to work I asked where she was. She had called in sick with the flu. FML

by Anonymous / 06/30/2009 at 11:25pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to my fiancé's house to have dinner with his family for the first time. Trying to be polite at the end of the meal I went to take the plates in to the kitchen. I overestimated how heavy the half-finished soup pot was, and threw soup all over myself and future mother-in-law. FML

by Damnsoup / 07/02/2009 at 8:12pm / United Kingdom (Stockport) / Love

Today, my daughter's handsome new boyfriend came to visit our house. When I opened the door, he asked me where Diana's mother was. I assumed he was about to be charming and say that he thought I was her sister. He didn't. He assumed that I was Diana's grandmother. FML

by yesnomaybeso7 / 07/12/2009 at 12:20am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house for dinner. Her parents seemed upset, so I tried to lighten the mood by saying, "Hey, at least the weekend is coming up and you guys won't have to go in for work." Apparently, they were upset because they both got laid off from their jobs today. FML

by Anonymous / 07/22/2009 at 6:05pm / United States (Kansas) / Love

Today, I competed in a ballet competition and made the finals, while I was on stage awaiting the results, I sneezed really loudly and snot went flying all over the stage. When I went to accept my award the woman presenting it refused to shake my hand. FML

by Anonymous / 08/08/2009 at 6:17pm / Australia (Australian Capital Territory) / Miscellaneous

Today, my family and I were coming back from a trip to the US. As we reached the border patrol we realized that we were one passport short. The border patrol lectured us for 30 minutes about how irresponsible we were for not realizing that they had forgotten to give us one of our passports back. FML

by Anonymous / 08/09/2009 at 12:02am / United States (New York) / Holidays

Today, I made the "Good luck, We'll miss you!" sign for my own going away party. FML

by loverpants / 08/14/2009 at 4:46pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went with my girlfriend to her ex-boyfriend's house party. She got incredibly drunk and I spent the whole night looking after her when she was throwing up. In the brief moment before she passed out she said "thanks Matt, you're a great boyfriend." Matt is her ex. FML

by Anonymous / 08/17/2009 at 1:43pm / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Love

Today, it was my 21st birthday. All my friends showed up at my house already drunk, so I had to be the designated driver. FML

by thedd / 08/18/2009 at 12:44am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss asked me how my parents' divorce affected me as a child. This is a sensitive subject, but I thought he was trying to connect with me so I told him how much it hurt. Turns out he wants to leave his wife and wanted to know if his kids would turn out "messed up" because of it. FML

by Anonymous / 08/27/2009 at 12:12am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous