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Today, I was fired when a customer called corporate, saying I was unprofessional and rude. The "customer" in question was my little sister, who I would not let buy beer with a fake ID. FML

by Kannachan13 / 08/28/2013 at 7:02pm / United States (New York) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I had an interview for my dream job. I spent all of last night preparing, researching the company, and making sure everything was perfect. My interview was for 8am. I woke up at 10:30 to an alarm that had not gone off. FML

by Anonymous / 09/18/2013 at 1:41pm / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, I discovered that I have caught head lice from my son. Unfortunately, they are living in my chest hair. FML

by hairy / 09/30/2013 at 5:59pm / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Health

Today, a coworker at school yelled at one of our students to be quiet. The kid got pretty upset, so I went to comfort him. He held my hand for the rest of the class, telling me in vivid detail how he was going to kill my coworker. Now I'm afraid to look at him. FML

by Anonymous / 10/01/2013 at 12:36pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I met a really nice girl at a club. One thing led to another, and she told me to meet her out front in 5 minutes. I was so drunk that I stumbled into the restroom instead, then curled up on the floor crying in despair when I realized my mistake. FML

by vcarder / 10/04/2013 at 4:25pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I sat down with my daughter to have the sex talk, because she recently started seeing a guy. I mentioned at one point how disappointed I would be if she got pregnant. She went wide-eyed and asked, "Didn't mom tell you?" FML

by unknown / 11/02/2013 at 5:10pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Kids

Today, I've invited friends and family to my birthday party. I've also come home to find that my parents didn't pay the water bill. I either have to tell everyone I know that they are uninvited or not to take dumps in my house. FML

by sammyducks227 / 11/08/2013 at 2:49am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I arrived at work six minutes late due to heavily congested traffic. This is just two days after my boss put out a memo saying that anyone who's late to work from then until the new year will have their holiday bonus pay forfeited. FML

by aaannnddd there goes my boner / 11/28/2013 at 5:03pm / United Kingdom / Work

Today, the "man cold" has infected my brother. He honestly thinks he's dying. He only has the sniffles. FML

by linzl00 / 12/06/2013 at 7:21am / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, my girlfriend sent me a link to a Vine video in which she dumped me. FML

by Jae_Hellyun / 01/07/2014 at 11:21pm / United States / Love

Today, my friends and I went camping in the woods. I fell asleep first. Waking up hours later to them bunched up together in the middle of the tent and me half-way outside, I confronted them about it. They admitted, "We heard a bear so we needed a sacrifice." FML

by bear food / 01/07/2014 at 11:37pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my mum when she gets the urge to smoke. The answer I was looking for was "after I eat" or maybe even "when I'm tired". What I got was "every second since you were born". FML

by BornToBeABurden / 01/09/2014 at 11:01am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Love

Today, my wife and I were watching a football game. While someone was about to score, she started screaming, "Go!" and "Come on! You can do it! Go baby, go!" My first thought was that I wished I could still make her scream like that. FML

by Anonymous / 01/13/2014 at 2:48pm / United States (Tennessee) / Intimacy