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Today, I handed in an assignment in health class that had to calculate my BMI. Embarassed by my weight I put it 15 pounds less. I got the assignment back and lost credit for something. Circled in red pen on the top was you must put your "EXACT" weight. FML

by ohh jeez. / 02/20/2009 at 9:49pm / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs onto cement and had to get stitches in my knee. The class I was running to was Buddhist Philosophy where I was supposed to give a presentation on how we all need to slow down and stop rushing through life. FML

by Noname / 03/17/2009 at 3:19am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a bar with two guys I was interested in. The first I'd been trying to go out with all semester. The second I had gone to dinner with and he seemed nice. I was the designated driver. They drank too much and, on the way home, hooked up in the back seat. FML

by sad_gay / 04/16/2009 at 4:40am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I work at a chocolate factory on the sanitation shift. I was under a machine cleaning and a spider fell on me. I started freaking out and a coworker thought I got caught in the moving parts and frantically pulled me out and alerted my boss. Turns out it was just a piece of caramel. FML

by chocofreak / 05/10/2009 at 6:23am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

Today, my grandparents were staying over my house for a couple of nights. As I was walking to my bathroom in the middle of the night, I noticed their door was open, and my grandfather was awake. I tried to say 'Hi' to him, but he didn't hear me. I then noticed that he was masturbating. FML

by ima_krackerr / 05/30/2009 at 12:36am / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I asked my mom how much she had set aside for college. She then looked and me as if I were crazy and said "Why the hell would I do anything like that?" FML

by Dariya / 02/12/2009 at 11:25pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, on my way home from watching a movie with a girl, I began having an erection because I thought I could kiss her goodnight. She dropped me off at home, and with my full blown erection, I walked in front of her car with the headlights on. FML

by dgordo3 / 02/08/2009 at 8:01pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, at physical therapy, the girl next to me had a blue armband. I said, "Hey, sweet iPod". She said, "Actually, I have diabetes." FML

by LA / 02/16/2009 at 8:31pm / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted me to be her first and last...with plenty of people in between. FML

by Charles / 02/22/2009 at 10:10am / United Kingdom (Manchester) / Intimacy

Today, I was in the gym, when i noticed three trainers who worked there staring at me. Thinking that they were checking me out, i turned the speed on the tread mill higher. Finally one of the trainers came over, and asked me to leave until i got a sports bra that actually worked. FML

by girlie / 03/04/2009 at 6:45pm / United States (New Jersey) / Health

Today, I found out I won a 20 000 dollar scholarship. After celebrating with my family by jumping around the room for a half-hour, we realized it was addressed to someone else with the same last name. When we called to tell her, she said it was weird because she had received my rejection letter. FML

by stillpoor / 03/14/2009 at 9:44am / United States (Massachusetts) / Money

Today, I tried to prove to my dad that he snores by secretly putting a tape recorder under his bed. I soon found out my parents had sex that night. Apparently, my mom likes to talk dirty. FML

by Zack / 03/11/2009 at 2:57pm / Israel (Tel Aviv) / Intimacy

Today, I was having sex with a guy I met and in the middle of it his mother called him. After stopping to answer the phone, he tried to put me on with her because she didn't believe anyone would actually sleep with him. FML

by MarMar / 03/15/2009 at 4:47pm / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy