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Today, my bosses were boasting about their work-funded retreat, including the $1,800 bottle of wine the company paid for. This would be fine if they hadn't just told me there are no funds to pay me for the work they've got me doing. We are also the biggest company in our industry. FML

by Wolfrunner87 / 07/13/2015 at 1:06am / Australia (Victoria) / Work

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't like cuddling in bed because he hates rebreathing his own carbon dioxide. FML

by Carowl / 08/04/2015 at 10:33pm / Love

Today, at soccer, I repeatedly asked my coach for water as I was feeling light headed. His response every time was, "5 more minutes". Eventually, I got so dehydrated that I passed out. The first thing my coach said when I woke up was, "Why didn't you get some water?" FML

by Dehydrated / 09/01/2015 at 7:07am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, my vehicle's transmission shifter moves freely without shifting gears. I'm stuck in park, in a parking lot, unable to even put it into neutral to push the vehicle out of the way of several parked cars. The old lady screaming at me just outside my door doesn't understand logic either. FML

by Tarlachia / 08/15/2015 at 1:42pm / United States (Florida) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I invited an acquaintance over for tea. When he came in, I told him to make himself at home. He took it literally and now half of my pantry is messed up, my boyfriend's chocolate supply is gone, and I'm pretty sure our couch is broken. Thanks. FML

by Anonymous / 09/01/2015 at 12:37am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was having a relaxing "wank", as they might say on Doctor Who, when a large spider descended from its web and came practically eye-to-eye with me. I screamed like a bitch and fell off my bed, pants around my ankles. Then my sister ran in to see what was wrong. FML

by Anonymous / 09/04/2015 at 10:22pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I had to create another signature. I have to use one at the bank and the other around my mother, so that when she tries to cash my paychecks the bank won't let her. FML

by Why / 09/03/2015 at 3:54pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my contact name in my girlfriend's phone is "Dipshit McFucktard". FML

by Anonymous / 09/26/2015 at 8:08am / United States / Love

Today, while playing a game, my girlfriend told a bunch of our friends that she's never had an orgasm. News to me. FML

by Deweyboy / 10/10/2015 at 12:33am / United States / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend fed a "random mushroom from the woods" to my rabbit. It then had a violent seizure and died. He claims it must have been from "natural causes". FML

Today, after hearing the results of my spinal tap, following several scans, my doctor said discovering that I have Multiple Sclerosis was a "happy accident". FML

by Anonymous / 10/06/2015 at 12:22pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, I found out that my fiancé's sister, who only got engaged a couple of months ago, is getting married before us. I wouldn't have a problem with this if she wasn't planning her wedding to be exactly like ours will be. FML

by Anonymous / 10/17/2015 at 12:00am / United Kingdom (Warwickshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to bail my son out of jail, because he's a pansy and wouldn't last a night in there. His crime: pissing through the open windows of passing cars after losing a bet with his friends. I feel like if he gave me grandkids, they'd be born with half a brain. FML

by Anonymous / 10/17/2015 at 7:41am / United States (Virginia) / Kids