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Today, it took me a full ten minutes to finish on the toilet. I was babysitting at the time, and it took the kids those ten minutes to destroy the kitchen and shave the cat. FML

by nicki / 11/14/2010 at 12:18pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, the guy I've been crushing on for years and I finally went on a date. While on the date, he threw up in my purse and stuck tampons up his nose. FML

by dontask / 09/30/2010 at 9:55pm / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, I tried to put my friend's hand in lukewarm water while he was sleeping, to see if he'd pee himself. He woke up and punched me in the face. FML

by Anonymous / 10/12/2010 at 10:09pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, before a big client pitch I went into their office bathroom to quickly slick down my hair. It had two identical automatic faucets, one for water and one for hand soap. Now my hair is full of soap, and smells like industrial strength lavender. FML

by soapypete / 10/22/2010 at 9:26am / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, my boyfriend of two years told his friend that he decided a long time ago that he would never be faithful to a woman. I was sitting next to him. FML

by sugar / 10/18/2010 at 8:23am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said she wanted to stay just friends. Not only did I get denied, apparently we're also "just friends." FML

by just_friends / 10/27/2010 at 1:19pm / United States (Utah) / Love

Today, after years of hard work, I had an interview at the highest ranking university in the world 800 miles from where I live. It snowed heavily for the last 2 days closing every road, railway, and airport causing me to miss the interview. There is no rescheduling. FML

by hulio88 / 12/06/2010 at 7:37pm / Work

Today, my fencing team took pictures for the yearbook. We were having individual pictures with our weapons, and it was my turn. When the photographer told me to pose, I tried to be super cool by quickly putting my sabre against my chest like some sort of soldier. I poked myself in the eye. FML

by Anonymous / 12/01/2010 at 7:36pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was going through my mom's old yearbook. There was a page long note from her friend talking about my mother's crazy drunk sex stories and describing multiple sexual encounters she had while on a pool table. I am deeply scarred forever. FML

by Anonymous / 12/06/2010 at 7:20pm / United States (Idaho) / Intimacy

Today, I found my iPhone. Too bad it was when I was getting my clothes out of the washer. FML

by Kris / 12/06/2010 at 3:31pm / United States / Geek

Today, my cute co-worker asked if he could use my computer. I told him my password and went to the bathroom. When I came back he said he'd finished. I tried to log in, but my password wouldn't work. I then noticed a post-it note on the desk saying, "Stop stalking me and I'll change the password back." FML

by Anonymous / 11/24/2010 at 8:18am / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Work

Today, it was my first day as a promoted manager. I got fired for being late. FML

by Pouya / 12/18/2010 at 1:03am / United States / Work

Today, my fiancé suggested we bring his elderly mother with us on our honeymoon. FML

by Anonymous / 01/01/2011 at 8:30am / United States (New York) / Love