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Today, I was at an awards dinner. I whispered in my wifes ear that she looked really pretty. She whispered in my ear that I should stop clapping so loud because I was embarrassing her. FML

by Discostu80 / 06/06/2009 at 6:24am / Australia (Queensland) / Love

Today, my motorcycle was stolen from the 4th level of my “secure” gated parking garage. I strategically park it tightly between my car and a concrete wall to limit theft opportunity. They scratched my car trying to get it out. FML

by stolenbike / 06/14/2009 at 1:28pm / United States (Georgia) / Transportation

Today, my daughter finally walked down the aisle with a man she loves very much. While I was escorting her, I managed to trip and fall down revealing what I've been trying to hide all of this time: my shiny gleaming bald head that showed when my wig fell off. FML

by Unlucky / 06/16/2009 at 6:49am / Saudi Arabia (Ar Riyad) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my mom how much she had set aside for college. She then looked and me as if I were crazy and said "Why the hell would I do anything like that?" FML

by Dariya / 02/12/2009 at 11:25pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, a customer at one of my tables left his phone number and a smiley face on the credit card slip. I was completely flattered until I looked at the bottom of the slip and realized that he had left me a $0.26 tip. FML

by appleville / 02/10/2009 at 1:20am / United States (North Dakota) / Love

Today, I stood by the wall at a party while everyone else danced and ignored me. It was my birthday party. FML

by Noname / 02/15/2009 at 12:44am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, at physical therapy, the girl next to me had a blue armband. I said, "Hey, sweet iPod". She said, "Actually, I have diabetes." FML

by LA / 02/16/2009 at 8:31pm / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I went to the hair salon to cut 6 in. off my hair. When I got there I decided to get my upper lip waxed for the first time. When my boyfriend came to pick me up for our date I asked if he noticed anything different about me, the first thing he said was "I see you got rid of you mustache." FML

by hey-o / 02/23/2009 at 6:09pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted me to be her first and last...with plenty of people in between. FML

by Charles / 02/22/2009 at 10:10am / United Kingdom (Manchester) / Intimacy

Today, I stopped at a red light. I noticed the car in front of me had the reverse lights on. I thought to myself "Meh, that person must know. They wouldn't do that." The light turned green. Turns out they didn't. Nor did they have insurance. FML

by jezusflowers / 05/06/2009 at 10:26pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Transportation

Today, I was drying off with a towel after coming in from outside. I noticed that the bathroom smelled like cat pee, so I sniffed all around to find out where my cat peed. Turns out, he peed on the towel that I was drying myself off with. FML

by Tcake / 05/19/2009 at 1:19am / United States (Oregon) / Animals

Today, my husband was leaving on a long business trip to Germany. As he's leaving, my daughter starts crying. 'Dont leave me with her !' she says. 'Take me with you !' FML

by Anonymous / 05/20/2009 at 1:18am / United States / Kids

Today, I was running outside. On the last mile I am along side some fields. While running along the side of the road I glanced down and saw a snake. I was so startled I jumped left in front of a car screaming like a girl. The snake was dead. FML

by Anonymous / 05/22/2009 at 10:08am / United States (Texas) / Health