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Today, I got to watch how easy it is to break into my flat, after I locked myself out and went to my neighbour for help. He used a blunt pencil. FML

by mamaflower / 08/19/2013 at 4:03am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, whilst out shopping with my crush, I decided to jokingly try on a silly-looking dress in an overly-expensive shop. Apparently I took the wrong size as I couldn't get out. Not only did the shop assistants have to publicly cut me out of the dress, I had to pay for it. FML

by jameen / 08/25/2013 at 8:50am / United Kingdom (Hampshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was driving down a one-way street, when some raging dumbass came screaming the wrong way down the road at me. My instant reaction was to brake and give the guy a chance to do the same. His instant reaction was to keep going and wreck my car. FML

by hello higher premiums, fuckwad / 08/25/2013 at 12:23pm / Canada (Quebec) / Transportation

Today, I came into the kitchen to see how dinner was coming along. My mother was milling the meat around the skillet with the cat's poop scooper as a spatula. FML

by Anonymous / 08/27/2013 at 8:32pm / United States (Nebraska) / Miscellaneous

Today, while I was sleeping, apparently I rolled over towards my fiancé and told him "We gotta save the turtles!" and had a five seconds long fart. Now he won't stop making fun of me. FML

by fartz / 08/31/2013 at 2:04am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, the boy who loved me and left me literally became the poster boy for my college. His picture is on the home page of the college website and on a banner in the cafeteria where I eat every day. FML

by justonce / 09/23/2013 at 6:38pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, my wife made me go with her to dinner with her parents, despite their long-standing hatred of me. Later on, my mother-in-law muttered to me, "I made yours special for ya", smirked, then made a show of scratching at her butt-crack. FML

by ouharguohargssdf / 09/28/2013 at 5:01pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a new client on my massage list. Two of my fingers got stuck in the thick coat of hair covering his back. I had to stop myself from making grunting noises whilst extricating them. FML

by Anonymous / 10/10/2013 at 1:25am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I called my dad to let him know some details for my wedding had changed. It would have been really nice if he had paused the porno I could clearly hear in the background. FML

by hes / 10/15/2013 at 6:10am / United States / Intimacy

Today, my fiancé's best friend, who will be our best man at our wedding, decided to confess his feelings for me and tell me how he's always dreamed of us eloping together. The wedding is going to be awkward. FML

by Anonymous / 10/15/2013 at 4:16pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I had to buy a new boxcutter for work after our old one broke. It came in a box, the type which policy requires a boxcutter to open. FML

by Awahso / 10/16/2013 at 5:42pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my grandma has been running around the neighborhood, dressed as Bobo the Evil Clown, chasing trick-or-treaters. All I've been able to do is chase after her, and apologize to the terrified children's families. FML

by bobosgonnagetyou / 11/01/2013 at 2:04am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend, feeling pretty low. I said something along the lines of "You like me even when I look like shit." He replied, "Ah, that's just how you naturally look." FML

by lucy_g / 11/02/2013 at 1:06am / United States / Love