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Today, I learned I'm allergic to the 5-month-old kitten we got 3 days ago. It loves me, follows me everywhere and sleeps on my lap in the evenings. FML

by crazy cat lady / 12/03/2014 at 6:24pm / United Kingdom (Coventry) / Animals

Today, my family got into a massive argument about whether or not battery-operated toothbrushes are considered electric toothbrushes. Everyone is in their own room and refuses to talk to each other. FML

by thechaos / 12/15/2014 at 5:24pm / United States (Maine) / Intimacy

Today, my cats found a new game to play. They each sit on either side of the cat flap, and take turns hitting it. Clack, clack. Clack, clack. At 3 am. Clack, clack. Clack, clack. FML

by duncan74 / 12/09/2014 at 10:23pm / France (Midi-Pyrenees) / Animals

Today, I found out my girlfriend and all of our friends have begun referring to the time I was meant to lose my virginity, but couldn't get hard, as the "cheese stick incident." They all think it's hilarious, and the worst part is that it's actually a pretty appropriate description. FML

by Anonymous / 12/18/2014 at 5:45pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, a customer came in with a laptop smashed beyond repair. She asked if we could recover her files, but thanks to my idiot boss' new store policy I had to ask her a bunch of questions, including if she had tried "turning it on and off". She stared at me, speechless, like I was a complete moron. FML

by anonix / 12/21/2014 at 2:08pm / Canada / Work

Today, I texted my girlfriend, saying "Hey there." She quickly replied, assuring me that she's not cheating on me. Uh, okay. FML

by is_that_right / 12/27/2014 at 2:14pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, my boyfriend told me that my mom paid him to date me. FML

by koolkat9 / 12/22/2014 at 2:11pm / United States (Indiana) / Love

Today, I noticed that my boyfriend's sister looks at my ass more than my boyfriend does. FML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2015 at 4:40pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Love

Today, my youngest daughter finally started using the toilet on her own. That is, until her older sister showed her the South Park episode where someone gets their intestines sucked out by flushing the toilet. Now she won't go anywhere near the bathroom. FML

by Investing in Toilet Seatbelts / 02/14/2015 at 4:46am / United States (Nevada) / Kids

Today, the girl I like finally replied to a text I sent a week ago. Her reply was: "Don't ever text me again, fuckface." FML

by FuckfaceSteve / 02/01/2015 at 9:59am / United Kingdom (Durham) / Love

Today, I took a nice relaxing dump at school, in my pants, in the middle of class. FML

by m33p / 02/05/2015 at 3:42pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a thrift store and found heaps of clothes that I loved that fit me perfectly. Then I found a special distinctive dress. My dress. My dad had thrown away heaps of my clothes and I had to buy them all back. FML

by NotMacklemore / 02/12/2015 at 11:59pm / Australia (Victoria) / Money

Today, I was so hungry when I finished work that I grabbed some chips to eat on the bus home. The guy who sat next to me spat in them as he left to get off. FML

by Metallurge / 03/12/2015 at 11:02pm / United Kingdom (Belfast) / Transportation