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Today, I realized that customers at my work ask me "Are you new or just stupid?" just as often as they did when I first started. FML

by stupid / 11/24/2014 at 2:21pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Work

Today, my boyfriend and I had 'car sex'. It sucked and resulted in him masturbating into a McDonald's bag. FML

by briiiiiiii123 / 01/12/2015 at 2:56am / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, my daughter was putting clothes in the drier when she yelled, "Mom!! The drier won't start!" I had to explain to her that the door needed to be shut. Her response, "Oh. I didn't know that mattered." She's 15. FML

by i_am_forever / 01/05/2015 at 8:59pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I brought my girlfriend home to introduce to my parents. My dad thought it would be hilarious to fill some clear bags full of flour, then pretend he was sampling a cocaine shipment when she arrived. She excused herself very quickly and isn't answering my calls. FML

by a critically injured shitehawk / 04/25/2015 at 6:34am / United Kingdom (York) / Love

Today, I bit into a piece of homegrown lettuce from my garden. Apparently, I'm not the only one to enjoy my produce, because I took a bite out of a small caterpillar. FML

by Malina / 01/03/2015 at 8:42pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Animals

Today, I was locked out of my house. As I was about to knock on the window to ask my girlfriend to let me in, I saw her on the sofa, digging a huge booger out of her nose and eating it. FML

by Anonymous / 11/28/2014 at 12:17pm / United Kingdom / Love

Today, what few friends I have won't talk to me anymore. My ex told them she dumped me because I abused her. I never abused her. What really happened is that she dumped me in a rage after I refused to give her money for drugs. Nobody's even asked for my side of the story. FML

by Anonymous / 11/26/2014 at 11:42am / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, my boss informed me I couldn't go on my "vacation" because he's leaving for one of his employees' weddings. That just so happens to be my wedding, for which I'm taking the vacation. FML

by bruhandbutercup / 02/02/2015 at 7:08pm / United States (Maryland) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my obsessive stalker of an ex found my girlfriend on Facebook and sent her a message saying just ":)". For some reason I'll never understand, she took this as a sign that I'd just slept with my ex. Now I'm single, and my ex is probably planning her next move. FML

by Anonymous / 12/26/2014 at 4:03pm / Australia (Western Australia) / Love

Today, my new antidepressants finally kicked in. I switched to them to try to control my anxiety. Turns out that the most common side effect, funnily enough, is nervousness. Guess I should've done more research. FML

by BigHelp / 07/07/2015 at 8:52pm / United States (Colorado) / Health

Today, I witnessed the beautiful sight of a tiny baby bird struggling to take flight from its nest. "You can do it," I muttered, which I guess my asswipe of a cat heard as "Quick, go kill that bird and scar me for life, please." FML

by tulisa / 02/20/2015 at 11:25pm / United States (Virginia) / Animals

Today, like every day, I woke up at 3 in the morning because my roommate needs "a three hour warning" before his real alarm goes off. His alarm is a constant beeping noise which he always ignores for a good 10 minutes before finally getting up and turning it off. FML

by Anonymous / 01/16/2015 at 1:51pm / Norway (Hordaland) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband came home, drunk and with lipstick smeared on his face. When I confronted him about it, he just slurred, "Ah don't worry babe, it ain't mine." FML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2015 at 3:26pm / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Love