Choose the period

Choose a category

Agreed
Commented
Favorited

Today, my aunt drove to my house and screamed at me for skateboarding in her driveway and denting her car. She then ransacked my room for said skateboard so she could break it in half. My aunt lives 4 hours away. I don't own a skateboard. FML

by Dalistair / 05/23/2013 at 7:25pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mum made me take her poodle on a walk, which she'd dressed in a tiara and a pink dog dress. Being a 19-year-old guy, I was pissed. After I got home, I saw that my mom had filmed me from the window and posted it to Facebook, to everyone's great delight. FML

by Anonymous / 05/30/2013 at 4:25pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Animals

Today, I went on my first ever assisted skydive. I fainted after we jumped, and only came to as we touched the ground. FML

by Fuperman / 06/02/2013 at 7:14pm / France (Lorraine) / Health

Today, I found out why my daughter eats so many sugary baked goods. According to her, when you bake things, all the sugar and calories are "released" and so you can't gain weight from it. It seems I raised a moron. FML

by Anonymous / 06/08/2013 at 3:01pm / Australia (Western Australia) / Kids

Today, I held a party for my family so I could announce my pregnancy. In the middle of my speech, my mother stopped me, saying, "Nobody gives a rat's ass, where's the booze?" FML

Today, I woke up to a stranger in my bed. Just as my parents responded to my screaming, I remembered that I'd helped my boyfriend sneak in through my window last night. FML

by breeeeeh / 06/21/2013 at 6:18pm / Love

Today, I caught my roommate pouring back his leftover milk from his cereal back into the jug to "save money." FML

by why / 07/23/2013 at 9:21am / Miscellaneous

Today, while having a serious talk with my father, he said, "Son, you're only alive because of a faulty, off-brand condom." FML

by my honest father / 07/10/2013 at 12:33pm / United States (Kansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband removed the TV from our bedroom to improve our sex life. Still no sex because he watches TV on his iPhone. FML

by oddgrrl99 / 07/23/2013 at 6:42pm / United States (Indiana) / Intimacy

Today, I was stretching after a group run. I noticed one of the girls was having problems balancing, so I told her that I have horrible balance too, but that it'll get better. She sneered and said she had a brain tumor when she was a kid, and that's why she has such bad balance. FML

by Anonymous / 08/04/2013 at 3:11am / United States (California) / Health

Today, my parents held a big family dinner at our house. Being the only underage person there, I had to sit there while everyone got progressively drunker and started commenting on how eerily similar I look to Shamu the whale. FML

by Anonymous / 08/05/2013 at 11:33am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I got to watch how easy it is to break into my flat, after I locked myself out and went to my neighbour for help. He used a blunt pencil. FML

by mamaflower / 08/19/2013 at 4:03am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, while I was sleeping, apparently I rolled over towards my fiancé and told him "We gotta save the turtles!" and had a five seconds long fart. Now he won't stop making fun of me. FML

by fartz / 08/31/2013 at 2:04am / United States / Miscellaneous