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Today, I witnessed my roommate telling a girl that he has "really healthy shits". I wanted to make fun of him, but he got laid by said girl and I went home to jerk off. FML

#21108665
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43751) - you deserved it (7219)

On 04/09/2014 at 5:12pm - intimacy - by damn (man) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I was feeling horny, so I told my boyfriend, who lives 30 minutes away, that "I really needed him". He replied, "Did you fall in the toilet again?" FML

#21107872
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50560) - you deserved it (11433)

On 04/08/2014 at 7:06pm - intimacy - by that girl (woman) - United States (Alabama)

Today, I was eating an apple in class. When I went to take a big bite, my teeth went right through the apple, causing me to scrape the apple right up my face. My nose then started to bleed. I'm now known as the girl who punched herself in the face with an apple. FML

#21114169
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39472) - you deserved it (6980)

On 04/15/2014 at 10:48pm - health - by Nose bleed - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, after getting home from finals and finishing the semester, I had a very heartfelt reunion with my dog during which he licked me all over the face. About an hour later, my dad told me, "By the way, don't let him lick you, he has hookworms." FML

#21126684
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42345) - you deserved it (4542)

On 04/29/2014 at 10:07pm - animals - by Anon (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, my long-distance boyfriend got extremely drunk and insisted that we ran the Skype call all night so it was like I was there with him. I woke up to the sound of him vomiting loudly at 3am. FML

#21124188
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38501) - you deserved it (5497)

On 04/27/2014 at 9:43am - love - by Amy (grossed out) - Australia (South Australia)

Today, I once again had to tell one of my elderly patients not to grope me. He responded by throwing his bedpan at me. It was full. FML

#21130965
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43147) - you deserved it (3663)

On 05/04/2014 at 10:58pm - work - by Anonymous - United States (North Carolina)

Today, after nearly three weeks of hard work, I finally completed my best drawing yet, a self-portrait. I was incredibly excited to take it to class tomorrow. That is, until I came home from a walk later on, only to find my brother had drawn a stick figure on it, wanking into my face. FML

#21192529
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42301) - you deserved it (3875)

On 06/29/2014 at 1:08pm - work - by ~~~ (woman) - Australia (South Australia)

Today, I learned I'm allergic to the 5-month-old kitten we got 3 days ago. It loves me, follows me everywhere and sleeps on my lap in the evenings. FML

#21310909
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30269) - you deserved it (3039)

On 12/03/2014 at 6:24pm - animals - by crazy cat lady - United Kingdom (Coventry)

Today, my road rage got so out of hand that I'm now actually inclined to honk obnoxiously at my computer when it's being slow. FML

#21204164
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28908) - you deserved it (14930)

On 07/09/2014 at 4:49pm - health - by Anonymous - United States

Today, army recruiters came to my school and set up some punching bags to attract potential recruits. I gave it a shot, managing to set the highest score at my school and fracture my wrist at the same time. FML

#21291962
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31537) - you deserved it (6121)

On 11/04/2014 at 1:30pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I was taking an order for a patron at the casino. The policy is to "pay first." After explaining this to him, he still refused to pay. After years of being polite, I finally cracked and said, "You are making this really f-ing difficult". This particular patron was our CEO's son. FML

#21228632
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37623) - you deserved it (12155)

On 08/03/2014 at 6:02pm - work - by really though? - United States (Delaware)

Today, I had to go to the hospital to get blood taken. The nurse mentioned how pronounced and easy to see my veins are. I guess that explains why she missed five times in a row. I'm surprised my arm doesn't look like a heroin addict's right now. FML

#21222027
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37461) - you deserved it (2741)

On 07/27/2014 at 12:13pm - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)



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