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Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her reason? Not enough guys have been liking her photos on Instagram since we started dating. FML

by yankeeboy123 / 01/12/2015 at 12:03am / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, my boyfriend and I had 'car sex'. It sucked and resulted in him masturbating into a McDonald's bag. FML

by briiiiiiii123 / 01/12/2015 at 2:56am / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, like every day, I woke up at 3 in the morning because my roommate needs "a three hour warning" before his real alarm goes off. His alarm is a constant beeping noise which he always ignores for a good 10 minutes before finally getting up and turning it off. FML

by Anonymous / 01/16/2015 at 1:51pm / Norway (Hordaland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I'm a ticket inspector on a train. A suspiciously-acting guy of about 30 gets on board with two huge bags. Worried, I keep an eye on him. I wasn't disappointed when he got 5 furry toys out of his bags and started to have a conversation with them. FML

by BilletsDoudous / 01/15/2015 at 1:51am / France / Work

Today, I noticed that my boyfriend's sister looks at my ass more than my boyfriend does. FML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2015 at 4:40pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Love

Today, my Breaking Bad obsessed boyfriend actually used the phrase "I am the one who cocks." during foreplay. My vagina just about turned into a desert on the spot. FML

by SKYYYLLLARRRR!!!! / 02/01/2015 at 11:17am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, my boss informed me I couldn't go on my "vacation" because he's leaving for one of his employees' weddings. That just so happens to be my wedding, for which I'm taking the vacation. FML

by bruhandbutercup / 02/02/2015 at 7:08pm / United States (Maryland) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I witnessed the beautiful sight of a tiny baby bird struggling to take flight from its nest. "You can do it," I muttered, which I guess my asswipe of a cat heard as "Quick, go kill that bird and scar me for life, please." FML

by tulisa / 02/20/2015 at 11:25pm / United States (Virginia) / Animals

Today, I noticed that my son was less excited about losing a tooth than normal. I asked him what was wrong, he said, "Tyler told me that the tooth fairy died yesterday in a car accident." To which Tyler replied, "You're welcome." FML

by Mommycakes / 03/03/2015 at 8:14am / United States (Arizona) / Kids

Today, I asked my professor for his opinion on the subject I plan to study in my thesis. Turns out, he likes it so much that he's going to steal it from me. FML

by nothesisforme / 03/11/2015 at 10:01am / France / Work

Today, my younger sister stopped talking to me. I got engaged to my boyfriend of 4 years and apparently, she's been in love with him since she met him. Through me. She's 12. FML

by twelvie / 03/23/2015 at 10:24am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, I was stopped in the grocery store by a stranger, who berated me, quite loudly, for going out in public in my pajamas. I had just gotten off work and was wearing scrubs. FML

by katgib13 / 03/10/2015 at 6:38pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was uninvited from my own birthday party. FML

by BirthdayBoy / 03/27/2015 at 11:42pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous