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Today, at work, I had to utter the phrase, "Sir, please stop rubbing yourself with the peas." It's exactly how it sounds. FML

#20847854
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42512) - you deserved it (2977)

On 08/21/2013 at 1:30pm - work - by twatstick (woman) - United Kingdom (Nottinghamshire)

Today, I was out jogging. As I took a rest to have a drink of water, a car pulled onto the sidewalk and bumped into me. Not just any car; my dad's car. He then drove away. FML

#20844605
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40121) - you deserved it (3380)

On 08/19/2013 at 12:00pm - misc - by FamilyLoving - United States (New York)

Today, I found out yet another of my guy friends liked me. I posted that I just wanted a guy friend that had absolutely no romantic feelings for me. My crush volunteered. FML

#20842536
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31423) - you deserved it (61481)

On 08/18/2013 at 12:41am - misc - by fail - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me to a very elegant and expensive restaurant to celebrate our anniversary. When it came to the check, I volunteered to pitch in half, which he rejected by saying "I got it". Little did I know was that "I got it" was short for "I got your credit card". FML

#20868496
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42058) - you deserved it (3094)

On 09/05/2013 at 3:24am - misc - by IGOTIT (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my dad came into my room, looked at my laptop, and said he could hear the porn I was watching all the way from his room. I wasn't watching porn. We soon realised it was actually coming from his mobile phone. FML

#20929016
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52785) - you deserved it (3902)

On 10/21/2013 at 3:07pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my mum staggered home, piss drunk. When I tried to walk her to her room, she shoved me away and cursed at me for being a "goody two-shoes". She then slurred "I fucked your mum", and informed me that my mum is a skank. That's good to know, mum. FML

#20958646
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40578) - you deserved it (2723)

On 11/15/2013 at 12:49pm - misc - by mummer11 (woman) - Ireland

Today, I was called by the counselor to discuss my "issues". She told me that other students had reported to her that they saw scars on my arms. I don't cut, I just have a hormonal and aggressive parrot who sees me as his personal tree. FML

#21016256
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43925) - you deserved it (3765)

On 01/04/2014 at 2:21am - animals - by That Girl with the Amazon Parrot - United States

Today, I woke up to every window in my house packed with snow. It was so bad that I thought I'd been snowed-in, and I started freaking out. It took two hours and multiple phone calls before I found out that my neighbor had taken our prank war too seriously and staged the whole thing. FML

#21015630
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36655) - you deserved it (11907)

On 01/03/2014 at 4:04pm - misc - by thanks.... (man) - United States

Today, it was my first day at my new school. I've never been the new girl before, so I asked my best friend for advice. She said, "Whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, be yourself." FML

#21029148
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43525) - you deserved it (4992)

On 01/15/2014 at 8:57pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I was told I looked like Beaker from the Muppets. After doing a side-by-side comparison, I realized it's true. FML

#21032010
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37785) - you deserved it (4201)

On 01/18/2014 at 6:09pm - misc - by cjgreer70 - United States (Oregon)

Today, I was let go from work because they need "younger people". I'm 19 and I work at a flower market. FML

#21067284
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39580) - you deserved it (2929)

On 02/21/2014 at 2:02am - work - by Anonymous -

Today, I told my boyfriend that I'm bisexual. He dumped me because apparently now there is "too much competition". FML

#21081103
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42383) - you deserved it (12610)

On 03/08/2014 at 4:23am - love - by biwhat (woman) - Australia (Western Australia)

Today, I ran into my favorite teacher from high school, the one that really inspired me to become one myself. I told her that I'm in my last year of college preparing to become a teacher, to which she replied, "Wow, they really are letting anyone have a crack at being a teacher these days." FML

#21067542
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42365) - you deserved it (4442)

On 02/21/2014 at 11:32am - work - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Illinois)



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