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Today, I was having a relaxing "wank", as they might say on Doctor Who, when a large spider descended from its web and came practically eye-to-eye with me. I screamed like a bitch and fell off my bed, pants around my ankles. Then my sister ran in to see what was wrong. FML

by Anonymous / 09/04/2015 at 10:22pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I had to create another signature. I have to use one at the bank and the other around my mother, so that when she tries to cash my paychecks the bank won't let her. FML

by Why / 09/03/2015 at 3:54pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, while on my first ever date, I ordered a really hot curry, hoping to impress my date. "Yeah," I said smoothly, "not everyone can handle spicy food." When I took a bite, my eyes watered, my mouth burned, and I had to plead for water in between moaning like a dying baboon. FML

by halfie / 09/26/2015 at 1:06am / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, I started my period. Every time I try to open a tampon, my dog goes crazy thinking it's one of his treats. Now I have to open them with my hair dryer on. FML

by nah / 09/09/2015 at 3:55pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I found out that my contact name in my girlfriend's phone is "Dipshit McFucktard". FML

by Anonymous / 09/26/2015 at 8:08am / United States / Love

Today, I had to explain to my 35-year-old husband that "Honda" and "Hyundai" are two separate car companies, not to two different pronunciations of the same one. FML

by Anonymous / 11/05/2015 at 11:38pm / United States (Vermont) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend fed a "random mushroom from the woods" to my rabbit. It then had a violent seizure and died. He claims it must have been from "natural causes". FML

Today, after hearing the results of my spinal tap, following several scans, my doctor said discovering that I have Multiple Sclerosis was a "happy accident". FML

by Anonymous / 10/06/2015 at 12:22pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, I got fired from my dream job. I found out today that the girl who trained me lied and taught me how to do things wrong, so that when she got back from maternity leave, she could get me fired and take her job back. My new coworkers were in on her plan from the beginning. FML

by sabotaged / 11/01/2015 at 7:05pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I bought a PS4 online for my boyfriend's birthday. I put it on our joint credit card through Paypal to keep it a surprise. The company decided to ruin that surprise when they called him to confirm the transaction. FML

Today, I got detention at school because a girl told the principal I was stalking her on campus. I wasn't stalking her, we just have very similar schedules. FML

by Anon / 12/04/2015 at 2:14am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's my 30th birthday. My husband came home with a big case of beer for himself, then told me he didn't have time to get me a present because of work. FML

by Anonymous / 11/19/2015 at 9:52am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my dad let me borrow his phone while I wait for mine to get back from the shop. I guess he forgot to pass the news along, because within 4 hours I'd received a picture of my mom's tits. FML

by Anonymous / 01/23/2016 at 12:51am / United States / Intimacy