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Today, I started work cleaning a customer's pool. I think her husband watches too much porn because he keeps glaring at me from the windows, and I overheard him telling his wife that he knows what's "going on" and that he's "not gonna let it happen". FML

by cock blocked / 04/22/2015 at 11:44am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I caught my ex trying to slash my car tires with a knife. She actually had the balls to claim she was testing my tire pressure, before power-walking off into the distance like nothing had happened. FML

by Anonymous / 05/15/2015 at 9:17pm / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I took my family to Disneyland. My husband had more fun than my five year old daughter. He was hitting on the princesses. FML

by creepedoutmom / 05/17/2015 at 12:08pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, my roommate bitched me out over my "OCD" driving the water bill up. She takes hour-long showers, but apparently me flushing after peeing "wasteful" and a sign of a neurological disorder. FML

by she has dumbcuntitis / 06/03/2015 at 2:03am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a job interview, and my father in law's house. As soon as I got home I went to the bathroom and noticed my bloody pantyliner had fallen out at one of these places. I don't know which one is worse. FML

by organizse / 06/20/2015 at 10:03am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my grandparents are going to take my car away and sell it because they're pissed I'm moving in with my boyfriend. FML

by allisonpaige21 / 06/18/2015 at 6:31pm / United States (Arkansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out where my sister's pet lizard escaped to. I also found out that the little shit likes to hide in dark, cold places. I discovered this when I heard the bastard squeal as I started the lawnmower. FML

by Alex Andreas / 07/01/2015 at 11:10pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Animals

Today, my bosses were boasting about their work-funded retreat, including the $1,800 bottle of wine the company paid for. This would be fine if they hadn't just told me there are no funds to pay me for the work they've got me doing. We are also the biggest company in our industry. FML

by Wolfrunner87 / 07/13/2015 at 1:06am / Australia (Victoria) / Work

Today, my friends told me that I'm not invited to the next trip because I'm a party pooper for not getting drunk and staying out late during our last vacation. I guess they forgot that I spent each night taking care of their drunk asses and stayed sober to be the designated driver. FML

by canadiangirl98 / 08/10/2015 at 11:07pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, on the bus, my blood sugar level got too low and I passed out. When I came to, the woman next to me was hitting me, saying she needed to get off and that she didn't have time for my "stupid fucking prank". FML

by qhorin halflung / 07/22/2015 at 1:35pm / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't like cuddling in bed because he hates rebreathing his own carbon dioxide. FML

by Carowl / 08/04/2015 at 10:33pm / Love

Today, my vehicle's transmission shifter moves freely without shifting gears. I'm stuck in park, in a parking lot, unable to even put it into neutral to push the vehicle out of the way of several parked cars. The old lady screaming at me just outside my door doesn't understand logic either. FML

by Tarlachia / 08/15/2015 at 1:42pm / United States (Florida) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I invited an acquaintance over for tea. When he came in, I told him to make himself at home. He took it literally and now half of my pantry is messed up, my boyfriend's chocolate supply is gone, and I'm pretty sure our couch is broken. Thanks. FML

by Anonymous / 09/01/2015 at 12:37am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous