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Today, my boss fired me for being "too morally ambiguous". I work at a bagel shop and had told a customer that I was indifferent towards cream cheese. FML

by confusedbagel / 06/27/2013 at 2:22am / United States (California) / Work

Today, at work, I politely asked a patron to be quieter; I was hit in the face. I work in a library. FML

by rubgy_lover / 06/27/2013 at 11:02am / Canada (British Columbia) / Work

Today, while out for lunch, a guy approached me and asked for my number. I politely declined. To my dismay, he dropped to his knees, grabbed his head, and started moaning about how nobody ever gives him a chance. I felt the accusing stares. FML

by Anonymous / 07/06/2013 at 7:26am / United States / Love

Today, I woke up from an extremely intense and pleasurable wet dream. This wouldn't have been bad, had it not been about Velveeta cheese. FML

by idk ask freud / 07/04/2013 at 12:11am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, at a family dinner, my mother-in-law talked me into showing off some moves that I've learned in martial arts. I gently did a restraining hold on her. She screamed that I was trying to break her wrists, and kept the wounded act up all night, smirking as everyone gave me death glares. FML

by -_- / 07/05/2013 at 5:59pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, while ironing some shirts, my cat decided to hop up and investigate. To prevent him from burning himself, I instinctively moved the iron away and placed it flat on my other hand. FML

by kutekittykatz / 07/10/2013 at 4:58am / South Africa (Gauteng) / Animals

Today, I found out that I'd been wrong to constantly accuse next door's cat of peeing on my car every night. It was actually my 16-year-old son. FML

by thecathater / 07/09/2013 at 9:35am / Australia (Queensland) / Kids

Today, I had an allergy test. Not only was I allergic to 35 out of the 40 items, they also found out that I'm allergic to the latex gloves my doctor happened to be wearing. Now my entire back is covered in a rash that will last at least another week. FML

by Anonymous / 07/15/2013 at 12:23am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, I knocked over a display case at a mall, shattering hundreds of dollars in goods. Embarrassed, I tried to scurry out of the nearest door without being seen. I scuttled right into the janitor's closet, the door automatically locking behind me. I waited for an hour to be let out. FML

by Jer / 07/15/2013 at 7:36pm / United States (Kentucky) / Money

Today, while walking into a hotel room, I passed by a full-sized mirror. My reflection scared me so badly that I punched the mirror, which then shattered and resulted in several cuts to my hand. FML

by igotsbadluck / 07/17/2013 at 5:44pm / United States (Tennessee) / Transportation

Today, I asked my mum why she never had any children after me. She scoffed and asked if I've looked in a mirror lately. FML

by noiguessitsbroken :( / 08/07/2013 at 8:24am / Lithuania (Kauno Apskritis) / Miscellaneous

Today, my 7-year-old son proudly announced that he had laid an egg during the night. I checked. He'd simply shat the bed. FML

by Anonymous / 08/13/2013 at 4:49am / Kids

Today, while getting ready to welcome my first child into the world, my father in law decided to "help out" and threw out a bunch of papers I needed. Like my child's application for a health card, social insurance number, and my birth plan, as well as instructions from my doctor. FML

by momma / 08/16/2013 at 11:21am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous