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Today, my wooden floor gave me a splinter on the bottom of my foot. I don't have the flexibility nor the eyesight to find it. FML

by Anonymous / 07/14/2014 at 5:56am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I spent my afternoon rummaging through old jeans and other pants, due to being broke and needing cash for ramen. FML

by baconistasty27 / 08/01/2014 at 1:33am / United States (California) / Money

Today, I woke up to a huge, disgusting bug next to my bed. As I tried to squish it, it suddenly flew off at high speed. Now I'm lying in bed, awake and terrified because I can hear it buzzing around but can't see it anywhere. FML

by Anonymous / 07/27/2014 at 2:44pm / Germany (Hessen) / Animals

Today, I went for a romantic, anniversary meal with my wife. It was amazing, until we had to rush home halfway through because our daughter rang, informing us that her 20-year-old sister had broken her wrist trying to jump from the roof, onto the trampoline and into the pool. She 'miscalculated'. FML

by We raised that fool / 08/06/2014 at 9:21am / United Kingdom (Derby) / Kids

Today, my brother decided our bathroom needed a clock so he used an old DVD player. He put it on the edge of the tub. FML

by Anonymous / 08/05/2014 at 7:55am / Egypt (Al Qahirah) / Geek

Today, while walking to work, I saw a homeless guy with a funny "NEED MONEY 4 BOOZE" sign, so I gave him a few spare dollars for his humor. On my way back home, he was out cold on the sidewalk with several empty bottles beside him. Whoops. FML

by thoughthewasjoking / 08/15/2014 at 5:10pm / United States (Alabama) / Money

Today, I had some painful gas at work, so I tried to silently ease it out. It was silent all right; silent, and so deadly that someone exclaimed, "What the fuck?!" My coworkers traced it back to me. Now they're all pointing their mini desk fans in my direction to make a point. FML

by Anonymous / 08/19/2014 at 5:54pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I got drunk, broke up with my girlfriend, and sent my grandma nude pics, thinking she was my girlfriend. Well, ex-girlfriend. FML

by Kev / 08/20/2014 at 1:53pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I went on a blind date that my friend set up. He greeted me with a winning smile, a belch, and the words, "Nice tits." I'm beginning to lose hope. FML

by bri_sci94 / 09/26/2014 at 2:56am / United States (Wisconsin) / Love

Today, my boyfriend and I were wondering whose extra spare key was on the counter when we came home. Turns out it's his ex's and she returned it, while neither of us were home. We're still taking inventory to see what's missing. FML

by thenewgirl / 10/06/2014 at 7:05pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I got the best grade in class on my economics midterm. Rather than tell me I did a good job, my professor criticized me in front of everyone about how I was working "too hard". FML

by katsaysner / 10/17/2014 at 1:56pm / United States (Maine) / Work

Today, I ran a hand down my freshly shaven leg to appreciate the smoothness, only to come up with a hand covered in blood. FML

by Anonymous / 10/24/2014 at 9:32pm / United States (Michigan) / Health

Today, my mom called and casually let me know she'd wrecked my iPad after putting it in the dryer with my bed sheets. FML

by Anonymous / 10/24/2014 at 10:53pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous