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Today, I told my husband that I wanted to take advantage of the alone time we would have while our kids are visiting my parents. My idea? A nice dinner out and kinky sex all night long. His idea? Chinese buffet and subsequent dutch ovens in bed. FML

by Anonymous / 11/22/2010 at 5:26pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, two months after moving up to Scotland to be with my fiancé, he broke up with me because he 'didn't love me anymore and hadn't for a long time.' Shame he didn't tell me that when he was saying 'I love you, I want to marry you', having sex with me, and using my savings for a deposit on a flat. FML

by shunned / 11/03/2010 at 9:13am / United Kingdom (Edinburgh) / Intimacy

Today, I built a snowman. When I'd finished, I went inside to get a scarf and carrot for the nose. As I came back outside, a snowplough ran it over, and the driver waved at me. FML

Today, while I was walking home from work, it started to rain. Clutching my bag in one hand, I started to run so I wouldn't get too wet. I saw a man running towards me and all of a sudden he tackled me to the ground. He thought I had stolen someone's handbag. FML

by anonymous / 12/20/2010 at 6:23am / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that every day without fail, the muffins I've been making and giving to my husband for work have been hitting speeding cars' windshields. FML

by muffdriver / 12/26/2010 at 10:47am / United States (New Jersey) / Transportation

Today, I took a nap on the couch in the family room. My brother thought it would be hilarious to take clear packaging tape and put it on my chapped lips. Then rip it off. FML

by ouch / 01/02/2011 at 7:36pm / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, I was at the grocery store with my dad. He let out a very silent but foul abomination of a fart. The people behind us started gagging, so he turned, pointed at me and said "That was my daughter." FML

by Anonymous / 01/18/2011 at 3:28am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I drove a friend to the emergency room because he thought he had appendicitis. While sitting in the waiting room, I got puked on by a child. My friend's diagnosis? Gas. So he also farted all the way home. FML

by alephnull / 02/02/2011 at 4:07pm / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, I was working on my art portfolio. I had drawn a self-portrait. When I was satisfied, I wanted to show my parents. They thought it was a drawing of a bear. FML

by nomoreart / 02/08/2011 at 7:30pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I arranged to have some flowers delivered at work for Valentine's Day so that my colleagues will think someone likes me. FML

by alone / 02/14/2011 at 12:34am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, I rummaged around in the attic, looking for old pictures of me and my family, so I could make a surprise collage. Instead, I found my dad's old journals, talking about how desperately he didn't want a kid, and how he wanted to leave my mother more and more every day that passed since I was born. FML

by surfergal91 / 02/14/2011 at 3:12pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was asked out by a guy I've liked since the beginning of the year. All I could say was, "I have to pee", and ran into the men's bathroom. FML

by blaahh / 02/18/2011 at 8:35pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I woke up to an angry snake trying to climb the leg of my bed. My bedroom was closed all day yesterday. It must have gotten in my room days ago. FML

by Katie / 02/20/2011 at 3:35am / Reserved / Animals