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Today, my coworker and I announced that we are spending our holidays together, because we both have kids. My boss announced he is coming with us. FML

by Carnage23 / 11/22/2014 at 5:16am / Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen) / Work

Today, I was getting to second base with a really hot guy, but I couldn't stop laughing when he said my boobs were "soft like cake." He got so embarrassed that he lost his boner. FML

by weirdthingtosay / 11/21/2014 at 4:56am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I had to babysit both my neighbor's 3-year-old daughter and my very pregnant cat. I left the room briefly, only to come back to a traumatized 3-year-old crying in horror as my cat gave birth in front of her. FML

by Anonymous / 11/22/2014 at 10:34am / United States (Maine) / Kids

Today, my friend made a fake account on Facebook, pretending to be a girl, and posted my phone number on a sexting group. I've been getting calls and text messages from horny weirdos all day long. FML

by bullah007 / 11/28/2014 at 1:43pm / Pakistan (Punjab) / Geek

Today, I needed to take a dump at school. As soon as I sat down, somebody else walked in. I'm extremely poop-shy, so I was forced to wait for several minutes while they styled their hair and applied makeup. After they left, I breathed a sigh of relief. Then someone else walked in. FML

by privatebathroomneeded / 12/16/2014 at 2:26pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend's dad called to say she wasn't allowed to come with me on a three-day trip on New Year's. He waited until Christmas to say it, even though we booked and paid for the trip nearly a month ago. Now he ruined both holidays. FML

by sneeuwbal / 12/25/2014 at 1:36pm / Belgium (Vlaams-Brabant) / Love

Today, I got a yeast infection, caused by the antibiotics for my UTI. I got the UTI after having sex for the first time in a year. A couple of minutes of sex have ruined my health. FML

by so much for romance / 01/10/2015 at 10:21pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, we got a new Roomba. I set it to clean and came back an hour later to find shit smears all over the floor. Apparently, one of my cats had done his business in the kitchen, and the Roomba had dragged it around the entire first floor of my house. FML

by Anonymous / 01/13/2015 at 8:50pm / United States (Delaware) / Animals

Today, my girlfriend accused me of being insecure and feeling threatened by the fact that she has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's vaguely right; I feel threatened, but mainly because the psycho keeps threatening to stab me to death when her mom isn't around to hear. FML

by StabStab / 01/11/2015 at 8:03am / Belgium / Kids

Today, after 3 hours of sleep, I had to rush to my grandmother's house because she fell and couldn't get up. An embarrassed, half-naked old lady, a very wet rug, an ambulance and a trip to the hospital later, and she still refuses to use her cane and walker. I hope I'm not this stubborn when I'm old. FML

by CatLady4Lyf / 02/16/2015 at 9:22am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my girlfriend took off my pants for the first time. She was more impressed by the pattern on my boxers than by my cock. FML

by fruitoftheloom / 03/09/2015 at 1:13am / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, while working at Subway I joked with a customer asking him if he was going to order in Spanish. The women in front of him began yelling about how I was being racist and told my manager that I needed to be fired. The customer I was joking with was my Spanish teacher. FML

by anonymous / 02/15/2015 at 5:39pm / United States (Georgia) / Work

Today, my mother worked out that my boyfriend and I are having sex. Instead of confronting me about it, she now just sits and stares at me judgmentally whenever I'm in the same room as her, making me feel incredibly uncomfortable. FML

by distressed / 03/17/2015 at 8:00am / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy