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Today, my girlfriend took off my pants for the first time. She was more impressed by the pattern on my boxers than by my cock. FML

by fruitoftheloom / 03/09/2015 at 1:13am / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, I ate an apple. My sister then walks in dressed as a witch, and asks, "Have you seen my poisoned apple?" She was playing at Snow White, and the apple had been dipped in the toilet, the cat's food bowl and the garbage can. FML

by dorianseiji / 03/11/2015 at 4:37pm / France (Picardie) / Kids

Today, my ex gave me a heartwarming speech about how much he wanted me back. After talking for hours and me finally wanting to get back together too, he started mentioning a date he has with a cute colleague. Conclusion: he wants to get back together, but still be able to fuck the entire world. FML

by donotbelieveinsecondchances / 03/02/2015 at 9:04am / Netherlands (Zuid-Holland) / Intimacy

Today, an old friend of mine landed in Spain, where he's visiting me. After a few minutes talking about where we should meet, we realized the reason he couldn't figure out where it was, was probably due to the fact that he was in Barcelona. I live in Madrid. FML

by Anonymous / 03/09/2015 at 10:24am / Spain (Aragon) / Intimacy

Today, I managed to get my 4-year-old son to agree that, "cigarettes are poop." I was a lot less proud of myself when he pointed at a 6-foot bodybuilder-type dude in the subway and yelled, "That man smells of pooooooop." FML

by Insanity / 04/09/2015 at 1:28am / France (Centre) / Kids

Today, I decided to confront my fear of birds when my friend's pet bird was walking up to me. He got on my arm, climbed up and attacked my face. FML

by birdsterrifyme / 03/23/2015 at 12:42am / United States (Missouri) / Animals

Today, my mother worked out that my boyfriend and I are having sex. Instead of confronting me about it, she now just sits and stares at me judgmentally whenever I'm in the same room as her, making me feel incredibly uncomfortable. FML

by distressed / 03/17/2015 at 8:00am / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend made me breakfast because I had a cold. Because my nose was so stuffed, I couldn't tell that our milk had gone bad. I had two cups. And now I'm stuck on the toilet. FML

by n / 04/04/2015 at 2:23pm / United States / Love

Today, while getting ice cream with a friend, her car got broken into. Nothing was taken except my backpack, which contained assignments making up 50% or more for grades in four separate classes. FML

by Caroline1812 / 04/24/2015 at 7:58pm / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous

Today, I started work cleaning a customer's pool. I think her husband watches too much porn because he keeps glaring at me from the windows, and I overheard him telling his wife that he knows what's "going on" and that he's "not gonna let it happen". FML

by cock blocked / 04/22/2015 at 11:44am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said she wanted to accept, but that she'd basically have to get her mom's permission first. Apparently the answer was no. The worst thing is that she really is this unhealthily dependent on her mom, and probably wasn't lying about needing her permission. FML

by Anonymous / 05/22/2015 at 11:44pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, cops showed up at my house looking for an ex neighbor. It would be all cool if before knocking they didn't politely wait in front of my window listening me and my boyfriend having sex for half an hour. FML

by bonsai_girl / 05/31/2015 at 10:19am / Croatia (Splitsko-Dalmatinska) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend randomly confessed to basically having a "phobia" of monogamy. But don't worry, she defensively assured me she's never ever cheated on me, even though I never said she had, so I guess that's okay then. FML

by well then / 05/30/2015 at 1:40am / United States (Georgia) / Love