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Today, my girlfriend randomly confessed to basically having a "phobia" of monogamy. But don't worry, she defensively assured me she's never ever cheated on me, even though I never said she had, so I guess that's okay then. FML

by well then / 05/30/2015 at 1:40am / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, cops showed up at my house looking for an ex neighbor. It would be all cool if before knocking they didn't politely wait in front of my window listening me and my boyfriend having sex for half an hour. FML

by bonsai_girl / 05/31/2015 at 10:19am / Croatia (Splitsko-Dalmatinska) / Intimacy

Today, I finally got up the courage to quit my first job. I spent hours determining the most professional way; the method, and the wording I would use. In the middle of the phone call, my manager hung up on me. FML

by anniemonkat / 07/13/2015 at 2:22am / United States (Ohio) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, like every other day, my wife doesn't have time for sex because she's too busy on Facebook. Then she bitched me out because "we never have sex anymore." FML

by cockblockedbyFB / 06/06/2015 at 9:01am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, while talking to my parents, I dropped an ordinary drinking glass. After I apologized and cleaned the mess, they told me that they had decided that if I couldn't be careful at home, I certainly couldn't be careful on the roads. They took away my keys. I'm 19. FML

by PatientlyDying / 06/15/2015 at 7:07pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was talking to my friend, who was telling me he's having suicidal thoughts lately. He then said he'd be back in a few minutes. Nearly an hour passed. I panicked, thinking he'd offed himself. Several minutes after I called the emergency services, he messaged me, saying "K, back." FML

by Anonymous / 07/19/2015 at 2:49am / United Kingdom (Cheshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided I wanted to bleach my hair, so I asked my mother for help. Apparently, something went wrong, because clumps of my hair started falling out. Now I'm half blonde and half bald, and my mom is just laughing at me. FML

by notquitejuliet / 07/03/2015 at 8:54pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband asked me to buy a different brand of dish soap, as the one he was using wasn't working. After a quick look, I had to agree. The lemon cordial he had been using, while tasting nice, didn't really help clean the dishes. FML

by SpankyRaven / 06/30/2015 at 1:29pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he thinks I'm cheating on him, with my brother. FML

by dollfacee / 07/09/2015 at 12:51pm / United States / Love

Today, my dog brought me a a dead rabbit. It so happened to be the rabbit a group of neighborhood kids were looking for after they lost it yesterday. I just had to hide a body for my dog. FML

by savannahsboxxx / 07/11/2015 at 8:09am / United States / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, as I was working at a bakery, a woman stormed in, cut in front of the line, and began yelling at me. She claimed I didn't give her a sandwich earlier and demanded a refund. She got the refund out of my paycheck, and as she was leaving she muttered, "Ha, works every time." FML

by jb100 / 07/24/2015 at 4:08pm / United States (Missouri) / Work

Today, I was attacked by a duck. I thought I was higher on the food chain than that. FML

by MoxleyCrue / 08/17/2015 at 3:34am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my mother gave me hell for my "video game addiction". The "game" in question? A professional flight simulator program that I'm using to complement my flight school lessons. FML

by simugeek / 08/15/2015 at 1:53am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.