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Today, my husband told his parents that he was quitting his job so that he could focus on school. They asked him what he was going to do for money. When I told them that I'd be the one working, they took one look at me and burst into laughter. FML

by Anonymous / 08/06/2014 at 12:57pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I began to sign "I love you" to my boyfriend from across the room. I ended up just poking myself in the eye. FML

by Hopeless romantic / 08/16/2014 at 2:20am / Australia (Western Australia) / Love

Today, my mother called me a slut and unladylike because I prefer beer instead of wine. Apparently, beer's only for "unladylike sluts". FML

by BeerSlut / 09/02/2015 at 5:37pm / Portugal (Vila Real) / Miscellaneous

Today, I confronted my girlfriend after catching her cheating on me. After she finished crying, she had the brass balls to say she'd understand if I needed a couple of weeks to forgive her, and asked me for bus fare so she could go tell the other guy they could only be friends now. FML

by yee-whore / 10/18/2014 at 2:44pm / United States (Vermont) / Love

Today, I had to pick up and drive home a couple of drunk bitches. Unfortunately, one of these drunk bitches was my mother. FML

by driverboy / 12/31/2014 at 3:08am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad asked me how I would feel about going on an all-expenses-paid, month-long holiday to the Caribbean. I was ecstatic and broke into tears of joy, saying I'd love it. He replied, "Yeah, me too. Shame it ain't happening!" then left for work, laughing his arse off. FML

by xXshitface4uXx / 07/25/2014 at 6:46pm / New Zealand (Bay of Plenty) / Miscellaneous

Today, over the course of three hours, I was burned by our toaster oven, hit in the head by a fridge door, hit my toes on a chair, clipped my hip on a table edge, and had both the washer and dryer lids slam on the same hand. I'm not sure what hurts more, my body or the shame. FML

by Anonymous / 07/23/2015 at 10:13pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I was told at my babysitting job that I can't bring my toddler with me. My employer is my best friend. Now I have to find a babysitter for my kid if I want to babysit hers. FML

by Anonymous / 03/27/2015 at 4:17am / Canada (British Columbia) / Kids

Today, I discovered that one of our cats is super creepy. He humps the blankets on my mother's bed while staring at her while she's sleeping. FML

by Anonymous / 09/13/2014 at 2:56am / Canada (Alberta) / Animals

Today, my boyfriend called me in tears, convinced that he found me in a porn video online. It wasn't me. And when I finally got him to give me the web address, I too started crying at the realization of how fat he thinks I am. FML

by confidence taken / 08/23/2014 at 2:26am / United States (Mississippi) / Intimacy

Today, I found out my sister stole my phone, pretended to be me, and tried breaking up with my boyfriend. FML

by Anonymous / 07/26/2014 at 11:35am / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I asked my dad to take me to the store so I could get some feminine hygiene products. When we got there, he went running down the aisles yelling, "Help! My daughter's bleeding to death! Where're the tampons?!" FML

by tbree / 09/19/2014 at 6:38pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, my girlfriend took off my pants for the first time. She was more impressed by the pattern on my boxers than by my cock. FML

by fruitoftheloom / 03/09/2015 at 1:13am / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy