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Today, I woke up to an early Christmas present on my car. It was a nicely wrapped box containing a dead bird, a half eaten sandwich, and a note reading "MERRY F**KING CHRISTMAS STAN." This will probably be my only Christmas present. My name is Luke. FML

#14183645
73 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25520) - you deserved it (1991)

On 12/12/2010 at 9:36pm - animals - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Georgia)

Today, while at my mom's birthday dinner, I started to pretend to drum with one hand, using my left leg as the drums. Everybody stared at me and started to yell. Now they all think I was masturbating. FML

#14090215
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22754) - you deserved it (10539)

On 12/05/2010 at 12:09am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, I realised that every morning my girlfriend gets me to help her put on a locket her ex-boyfriend bought her on Valentine's Day. FML

#12752229
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29997) - you deserved it (3964)

On 08/26/2010 at 5:16am - love - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Yukon Territory)

Today, I signed my own plaster-cast to make people believe that I actually have friends. FML

#14608704
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24894) - you deserved it (6815) - Translated from the french version of FML. Bon appétit!

On 01/17/2011 at 1:24am - health - by SkinsCastSelection - France - Chosen by the cast of Skins

Today, at work, I was asked to sharpen some pencils. I'm an electronics and mechanics engineer, and while I understand it's been quite a while since I was in primary school, I still wonder why my boss felt the need to explain in minute detail how to sharpen a pencil. FML

#14494219
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23010) - you deserved it (2594)

On 01/07/2011 at 4:11am - work - by dibman (man) - United Kingdom (Hampshire)

Today, thanks to a particularly spicy bowl of noodles, my nose decided it would rather be a fountain. A fountain of blood. FML

#15129596
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26243) - you deserved it (3491)

On 02/26/2011 at 5:59pm - health - by mwja (man) - Sent from mobile version

Today, I was lying on the sofa when the phone rang. I jumped up to answer in time. I knocked over my laptop, and kicked my guitar into a glass causing it to smash. It was a wrong number. FML

#14534217
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20040) - you deserved it (10119)

On 01/10/2011 at 3:43pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - Isle of Man

Today, the gift my mother had mailed me for my birthday finally arrived. It was a gift card for Starbucks. A gift card that had already been redeemed. FML

#17219052
73 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28122) - you deserved it (2021)

On 07/22/2011 at 4:31pm - misc - by coffee girl (woman) - Canada (Alberta)

Today, the lady running the pastry shop asked who I buy the second pastry for every day. I lied and told her that it's for a coworker. I eat them both. FML

#14985221
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9234) - you deserved it (31947)

On 02/15/2011 at 1:25am - misc - by a fatty -

Today, after suffering from constipation for three days, I finally took a dump. Just as things reached the point of no return, my land line and doorbell all rang. FML

#14752414
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22900) - you deserved it (2718)

On 01/29/2011 at 1:06am - health - by Poopie (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, after finally getting up the confidence, I started talking really dirty to my boyfriend on the phone. I was getting really onto it, and he seemed to enjoy it too. Then I stopped for a second to gauge his reaction. He was snoring. FML

#18811702
73 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25040) - you deserved it (4111)

On 01/15/2012 at 1:29am - intimacy - by 9gingerface66 - United States (Florida)

Today, I saw a firework show. In my kitchen. When my stove blew up. FML

#16364956
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30761) - you deserved it (3955)

On 05/26/2011 at 10:39pm - misc - by Username -

Today, I just pulled out of the fast food drive through, only to pull right behind a septic truck. Just as I was about to dig into my food, I noticed it had a handy window about a foot round. I had a stare-down with a turd until I could pass. FML

#14990064
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19948) - you deserved it (3529)

On 02/15/2011 at 12:13pm - misc - by Goatbeard (man) - United States (California)



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