Choose the period

Choose a category

Agreed
Commented
Favorited

Today, my mother had to take a stool sample because she has been ill for several days. Curious, I eventually had to ask, "how did you intercept the poo before it got submerged in water?". She yelled from the other room, "you know that little plate with the red stripe". I was eating off of it. FML

by imfullthanks / 03/14/2009 at 7:06pm / Norway (Oslo) / Health

Today, my girlfriend was driving me to her house against my will when I said, "Sometimes it's annoying that you always decide where we go because you drive." She replied, "Yeah, I wish I could be more of the girl in this relationship." FML

by lukey_G / 03/20/2009 at 1:08am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I was hooking up with my girlfriend when her dad knocked on the clear door that leads to the room. About 5 minutes later both of her parents came in to give us the "talk" which included the first time her parents did it. In detail. FML

by talkssuck / 03/30/2009 at 5:44pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, I told my husband I was pregnant. He laughed and said, “April Fools, right?” then left the room, still laughing like it was the dumbest thing ever. Tomorrow's April Fools day. I really am pregnant. FML

by Anonymous / 03/31/2009 at 4:33pm / Canada (New Brunswick) / Love

Today, I was walking in the park when I saw an attractive girl walking nearby. I approached her to strike up a conversation when suddenly a large fly invaded my left nostril, and became lodged inside. After picking out the bloody fly pieces, I looked up to see the girl walking away, gagging. FML

by jamblasticus / 05/08/2009 at 9:07pm / United States (Washington) / Animals

Today, I was invited out to a date by my ex-boyfriend. He seemed really excited to reconnect and kept holding my hand and complimenting how I looked. Out of nowhere a girl runs up to him screaming. It was his current girlfriend, he was using me to make her jealous. FML

by savvylady / 06/18/2009 at 12:52am / United States (Arkansas) / Love

Today, I had a job interview but couldn't find my car keys. I had searched the entire apartment and had missed the interview. Turns out they were in my pocket the entire time. FML

by Anonymous / 06/18/2009 at 6:37am / Australia (Victoria) / Transportation

Today, I was having sex with a girl I really like for the first time. After a while I told her I was about to come. Her response: "Lucky you." FML

by sadguy / 02/18/2009 at 5:07pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, it's my birthday. I spent $100 on myself, using it to set up an account so that my son can call me from jail. FML

by Reihna / 10/15/2012 at 9:10am / United States (Virginia) / Kids

Today, I was using my dad's cell because I had broken mine. I was texting my boyfriend all day when my dad needed his phone back. I forgot to tell my boyfriend that my dad would be using the phone. My boyfriend then texted graphically what he wanted to do to my dad. FML

by Loho / 03/24/2009 at 10:46pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I jokingly went over to a an attractive female co-worker and said "you look like you need a hug". She told me she wasn't feeling well and didn't want to be touched. No more than 30 seconds after our encounter she ran to give one of our more attractive male co-workers a hug. FML

by Lastsecondstand / 04/06/2009 at 12:39am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, while lying next to me, my boyfriend smiled and told me, "I really like your eyes. They're pretty." He paused and then finished with, "They really help your face." FML

by ruvru / 04/10/2009 at 1:13pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, I discovered the worst possible situation in which to get explosive diarrhea: on a 9-hour transatlantic flight. Next to an attractive single guy. FML

by crapgirl / 04/18/2009 at 7:11pm / United States (New York) / Health