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Today, I was driving and someone was following me across the city and wouldn't let up, so I drove past my house, thinking it was a stalker. Eventually I lost them on the highway. It wasn't until I'd gotten back home that I remembered that my 'stalker' was a coworker I'd invited over for lunch. FML

by Distracted / 04/09/2015 at 4:11pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Work

Today, while going down on my boyfriend, I must have gotten a little too enthusiastic because I ripped my tongue's frenulum. We then awkwardly went into the bathroom. While he was washing the blood off his penis, I was hung over the toilet bowl puking because blood makes me woozy. FML

Today, I surprised my 7 and 1.5 year old girls with a princess dinner. I quickly realized it was a scam when the "princesses" arrived looking more suited to a bachelor party. I was able to quickly get the girls out, but have spent the evening explaining why Pocahontas was heavily tattooed. FML

by colorfun / 05/17/2015 at 11:38pm / United States (Indiana) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was bitten by a therapy dog. FML

by queengarmin / 04/25/2015 at 4:42pm / United States (California) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I had to go to a boring, never-ending "sensitivity training" session, all because my douchebag coworker filed a complaint against me last week after I apologized for being tardy. Apparently I was insulting people with mental disorders. Or as she put it, "differently-abled" people. FML

by tumblrinas_at_work / 05/02/2015 at 4:04am / United States (California) / Work

Today, while talking to my parents, I dropped an ordinary drinking glass. After I apologized and cleaned the mess, they told me that they had decided that if I couldn't be careful at home, I certainly couldn't be careful on the roads. They took away my keys. I'm 19. FML

by PatientlyDying / 06/15/2015 at 7:07pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, an old lady wearing a low-cut shirt with no bra underneath came into my line with some groceries. At some point while bagging her groceries, her wrinkled breast slipped out of her shirt. She didn't even notice. I wish to fuck I could unsee this. FML

by Anonymous / 06/27/2015 at 2:15am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I wore a sleeveless shirt for the first time in years, when I glimpsed something on my shoulder that looked like a spider. I let out a scream that sounded like a donkey having a stroke and flailed my arms. Then I realized it was my tattoo, and that I was freaking out everyone on the bus. FML

by HURP / 06/17/2015 at 11:41am / Canada (Alberta) / Transportation

Today, I discovered that most of my family is homophobic while discussing Orange Is The New Black. I've only come out to my sister. FML

by imgay / 06/22/2015 at 10:20pm / Argentina (Distrito Federal) / Miscellaneous

Today, as I finished my piano recital and took a bow, I farted into the microphone. FML

by fartypants / 06/18/2015 at 6:53pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I had to explain to my incredibly sheltered 15-year-old brother that no, you don't wear condoms on your balls, and that they don't work by squeezing your balls so the sperm are blocked from coming out when you ejaculate. FML

by facepalming all the way / 07/19/2015 at 2:02am / United States (Colorado) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he thinks I'm cheating on him, with my brother. FML

by dollfacee / 07/09/2015 at 12:51pm / United States / Love

Today, my internet was so slow I couldn't even load an internet speed test to see how slow my internet was. FML

by bbcgj / 07/04/2015 at 5:30am / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Miscellaneous