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Today, in the middle of the store, my daughter pointed at my belly and loudly announced that she was going to have a brother. I'm a man, and apparently I need to lose weight. FML

by Anonymous / 08/19/2012 at 1:30am / United States / Kids

Today, while at work, I used the restroom. After I noticed we were out of paper towels, I just tried shaking my hands dry. I then readjusted my bra, since it'd been driving me crazy all day. After getting back to my cubicle, I realized that I had two wet handprints over my boobs. FML

by Employee / 08/07/2012 at 3:17pm / United States (Nebraska) / Work

Today, I asked my college chemistry teacher for some much-needed help. Instead of explaining anything to me, she scoffed that if I don't understand something, I should "just Google it." FML

by hopelesscollegestudent / 09/21/2012 at 12:22pm / Canada / Miscellaneous

Today, on our first holiday together, my boyfriend decided to spend his time reminiscing about having come here once with his ex. He then decided to go type up an email to her about it. FML

by Anonymous / 09/13/2012 at 1:46pm / United Kingdom / Love

Today, I was working in a call center when I smelled perfume. I'm allergic, and it triggered my asthma. When I came back, some jerk had sprayed it all over my work area. I couldn't go near it for the rest of my shift, therefore I had to go home early, and got my paycheck docked. FML

by John / 11/02/2012 at 12:13am / United States / Work

Today, I was working at the checkout of a nearly empty store, so I picked up an empty box, closed my eyes, and slow-danced with it to the 80s love ballad playing on the radio. I don't know what's worse, dancing with a box, or opening my eyes to see ten or so wary customers waiting to be served. FML

by foreveralone / 11/13/2012 at 5:23am / Australia (New South Wales) / Work

Today, I tagged along with some friends to a party in the woods. Halfway into the night, a party-goer's boyfriend got extremely drunk and violent, causing the others to panic and drive away in the two cars we pooled in. My best friend and I had to run all the way back home on foot. FML

by Miss Spasticator / 10/26/2012 at 4:49pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, our kids left for the weekend so that my wife and I could have some much-needed alone time. We've been fighting a lot recently and really need some time to have fun together. Now it turns out that she doesn't want to be around me because of the fighting. FML

by marriedtoacunt / 10/19/2012 at 2:27pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Love

Today, while at a psychiatric hospital working as a student nurse, I discovered one of the patients had developed an unhealthy obsession for me. He was admitted for stalking and abusing a girl who looked just like me. It's only my first week. FML

by Anonymous / 10/22/2012 at 6:54am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Work

Today, after spending 3 hours raking leaves, I went to the store to get some supplies. I came back to find my neighbor had decided to blow his leaves all over my yard. FML

by racking-leaves / 11/14/2012 at 2:55pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I started a new job. I'm now trapped in a small office with a woman who says, "Oh my gravy!" constantly. In response to everything. FML

by Anonymous / 12/11/2012 at 9:53pm / United States (Louisiana) / Work

Today, I saw a photo on Instagram of my friend flipping the camera the bird. She'd tagged it under "irony", so I jokingly suggested that she borrow a dictionary. She responded with a tirade of abuse, claimed to be sleeping with my boyfriend, and blocked me an hour later. FML

by Anonymous / 12/13/2012 at 7:51pm / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, my daughter wore my favorite Christmas sweater to an ugly sweater party. FML

by Saduglydad / 12/12/2012 at 11:05am / United States (Texas) / Kids