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Today, my ex told me about how much the person she left me for loves the lingerie I bought her. FML

by Anon E. Mouse / 09/15/2015 at 7:47am / United States (Maine) / Love

Today, my mom and dad went to court to negotiate child support for me and my brothers. During the meeting, my dad was asked, "Sir, are you saying that the only reason you want your sons to live with you full time is so you don't have to pay child support?" To which he responded, "Yes." FML

by vanillapudding6 / 10/13/2015 at 9:21pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was taking a long, relaxing, hot bath with my girlfriend after a long day. She had fallen asleep in my arms and everything was perfect - until I noticed the water around us had started turning yellow as she pissed herself in her sleep. FML

by itsbeenalongday / 09/27/2015 at 12:05pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I finally found out why my new co-worker has been shooting me dirty looks, being rude to me, and generally trying to avoid me. It's because I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and she thinks people like me are Nazis. FML

by Anonymous / 10/17/2015 at 8:29am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, while on a walk during lunch, I urgently needed to pee. Not thinking I could make it back to the office, I slipped into some bushes to relieve myself. As I was going, I looked to the side and saw two coworkers staring back at me. They were having sex, and I'm there with my dick out. Awkward. FML

by Embarrassed ass. / 10/23/2015 at 12:05am / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, I gave my virginity to my boyfriend. All I got in return was rug burn and an infection. FML

by luckygirl / 10/13/2015 at 12:20pm / Croatia (Grad Zagreb) / Intimacy

Today, I was floating on a river with some friends when I accidentally splashed one of their girlfriends in the face. She started crying and everyone gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the trip. We are all 26 years old. FML

by nightwalker2253 / 11/16/2015 at 2:13am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was studying on a bench outside my dorm when the leg snapped. I decided to do the right thing and let administration know what happened. After assuring me it wasn't my fault, and having me fill out an incident report, they billed me $400. I can't enroll for next semester until I pay. FML

by smoothies14 / 11/06/2015 at 12:29pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Money

Today, I tried buying alcohol for the first time. I have a baby face, so I had my ID ready. The store owner admitted that my ID looked real enough, but he wouldn't believe it wasn't just an elaborate fake. He very nearly called the cops on me. FML

by Anonymous / 12/11/2015 at 11:12pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I made a typo in a line of code, bringing the company website down. Our admin was already pissed about having to work over Christmas, and he started yelling at me and ended up punching my supervisor when he got between us. Pretty sure my screw up indirectly got the poor guy fired. FML

by Kat / 12/24/2015 at 4:51pm / Australia / Work

Today, my boyfriend's bitch of a mother had surgery and now I'm expected to be her at-home nurse. I haven't been able to sit down for more than 5 minutes thanks to her and I've barely slept. FML

by SickOfYourShit / 12/16/2015 at 10:41am / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, I told my friend I was considering adopting a dog. She looked at me like I was Satan and went on a rant about how dogs are "born evil" and will always maul someone given the chance. I still have the marks from when one of her psycho cats sliced open my arm last month. FML

by Anonymous / 12/24/2015 at 1:06pm / United States (Washington) / Animals

Today, I tried asking a guy I like on a date. He turned me down, saying that I "seem like a nice person and all", but after seeing those reality shows on truTV, he "would rather not date a Russian. No offense, though." FML

by vanilla_blossom / 01/05/2016 at 1:49pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love