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Today, I got the same feeling in my chest when I orgasmed as when I hit a hard section in Guitar Hero. FML

by massachusettsan / 06/24/2014 at 8:07pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, I was screamed at by a lady for riding my bike too slowly in front of her car. I was in the bike lane, and so was she. FML

by lrn2road / 06/24/2014 at 11:04am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, my dad asked me how I would feel about going on an all-expenses-paid, month-long holiday to the Caribbean. I was ecstatic and broke into tears of joy, saying I'd love it. He replied, "Yeah, me too. Shame it ain't happening!" then left for work, laughing his arse off. FML

by xXshitface4uXx / 07/25/2014 at 6:46pm / New Zealand (Bay of Plenty) / Miscellaneous

Today, I began to sign "I love you" to my boyfriend from across the room. I ended up just poking myself in the eye. FML

by Hopeless romantic / 08/16/2014 at 2:20am / Australia (Western Australia) / Love

Today, I found out my sister stole my phone, pretended to be me, and tried breaking up with my boyfriend. FML

by Anonymous / 07/26/2014 at 11:35am / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, my husband told his parents that he was quitting his job so that he could focus on school. They asked him what he was going to do for money. When I told them that I'd be the one working, they took one look at me and burst into laughter. FML

by Anonymous / 08/06/2014 at 12:57pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, my boyfriend called me in tears, convinced that he found me in a porn video online. It wasn't me. And when I finally got him to give me the web address, I too started crying at the realization of how fat he thinks I am. FML

by confidence taken / 08/23/2014 at 2:26am / United States (Mississippi) / Intimacy

Today, I discovered that one of our cats is super creepy. He humps the blankets on my mother's bed while staring at her while she's sleeping. FML

by Anonymous / 09/13/2014 at 2:56am / Canada (Alberta) / Animals

Today, I asked my dad to take me to the store so I could get some feminine hygiene products. When we got there, he went running down the aisles yelling, "Help! My daughter's bleeding to death! Where're the tampons?!" FML

by tbree / 09/19/2014 at 6:38pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I confronted my girlfriend after catching her cheating on me. After she finished crying, she had the brass balls to say she'd understand if I needed a couple of weeks to forgive her, and asked me for bus fare so she could go tell the other guy they could only be friends now. FML

by yee-whore / 10/18/2014 at 2:44pm / United States (Vermont) / Love

Today, someone stole my coat. I can only imagine their surprise when they find the $3,000 engagement ring I bought earlier. FML

by Anonymous / 10/24/2014 at 1:49pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Money

Today, I still didn't feel quite awake after the first lesson at school, so I went to get a cup of coffee from the vending machine. I had just enough money for it. No cup dropped into the holder, and the whole thing poured straight into the drip tray while I watched. FML

Today, I found out why my wife has been cold and distant lately. She went to a psycho fraudster - sorry, I mean "psychic medium" - who said I'm lusting after other women and am thinking about leaving her. She actually believed him. Now I'm considering leaving her for real. Well played, I guess. FML

by Anonymous / 12/06/2014 at 4:52pm / Belgium / Love