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Today, I was walking in the park when I saw an attractive girl walking nearby. I approached her to strike up a conversation when suddenly a large fly invaded my left nostril, and became lodged inside. After picking out the bloody fly pieces, I looked up to see the girl walking away, gagging. FML

by jamblasticus / 05/08/2009 at 9:07pm / United States (Washington) / Animals

Today, I was invited out to a date by my ex-boyfriend. He seemed really excited to reconnect and kept holding my hand and complimenting how I looked. Out of nowhere a girl runs up to him screaming. It was his current girlfriend, he was using me to make her jealous. FML

by savvylady / 06/18/2009 at 12:52am / United States (Arkansas) / Love

Today, I had a job interview but couldn't find my car keys. I had searched the entire apartment and had missed the interview. Turns out they were in my pocket the entire time. FML

by Anonymous / 06/18/2009 at 6:37am / Australia (Victoria) / Transportation

Today, it's my birthday. I spent $100 on myself, using it to set up an account so that my son can call me from jail. FML

by Reihna / 10/15/2012 at 9:10am / United States (Virginia) / Kids

Today, I was using my dad's cell because I had broken mine. I was texting my boyfriend all day when my dad needed his phone back. I forgot to tell my boyfriend that my dad would be using the phone. My boyfriend then texted graphically what he wanted to do to my dad. FML

by Loho / 03/24/2009 at 10:46pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I jokingly went over to a an attractive female co-worker and said "you look like you need a hug". She told me she wasn't feeling well and didn't want to be touched. No more than 30 seconds after our encounter she ran to give one of our more attractive male co-workers a hug. FML

by Lastsecondstand / 04/06/2009 at 12:39am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, while lying next to me, my boyfriend smiled and told me, "I really like your eyes. They're pretty." He paused and then finished with, "They really help your face." FML

by ruvru / 04/10/2009 at 1:13pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, I discovered the worst possible situation in which to get explosive diarrhea: on a 9-hour transatlantic flight. Next to an attractive single guy. FML

by crapgirl / 04/18/2009 at 7:11pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I had to go visit my grandma. While in her bathroom, the floss I was using cut my gum, I then proceded to make sounds of slight pain. My grandma was, at the same moment, walking by and said "Don't masturbate in side of my bathroom you sick teen!" Now my grandma thinks I am a pervert. FML

by bongoboy / 04/25/2009 at 3:51am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I got in the shower, washed my hair and shaved because I wanted to look great for a big date. I got out, brushed and dried my hair and spent an hour putting it up in the perfect hairstyle. Running late, I quickly put on my new dress, looked down and realized i had only shaved one leg. FML

by kam3221 / 05/01/2009 at 12:33am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned that no matter how much you assume that the crunchy bits in a bag of crisps are in fact crisps, you will occasionally find that your assumptions are wrong. Beetles just don't have the same appeal. FML

by Anonymous / 05/08/2009 at 4:02pm / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I visited my grandma. She offered me some chips in ziploc bag. I thought they were sour cream and onion chips from the look. They tasted funny, but I didn't want to be rude and I kept eating. I looked closer after a while and noticed that what I thought were chives was actually mold. FML

by badeats / 06/22/2009 at 1:43am / United States (Nebraska) / Health

Today, a fax came in at work for a specific job, and I asked the owner of the company who it was for. He replied "the round one", so I handed it to our rotund Project Manager. Apparently the owner meant the garbage can, not my fat co-worker. Now i'm the asshole of the office. FML

by kjcarey123 / 07/15/2009 at 1:24pm / United States (Illinois) / Work