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Today, I was eating at a Chinese restaurant, when I stopped the waitress to tell her that even though I am of Chinese heritage, I can't understand a word of Chinese. After an awkward silence, she told me she was actually speaking English. FML

#21042741
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38562) - you deserved it (14334)

On 01/28/2014 at 6:16am - misc - by ChickenBallsPlease (woman) - United Kingdom (Norfolk)

Today, my boyfriend asked me if we were going to become "that stupid couple that sings cheesy songs to each other." I just spent the past 3 months writing the perfect song that I was planning on singing to him tonight. FML

#21086140
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38360) - you deserved it (6571)

On 03/13/2014 at 11:36pm - love - by wabbyfish (woman) - United States (Minnesota)

Today, I marched in the St. Patrick's day parade. My horn has an inconveniently-placed spit valve that has to be drained frequently. At the end, I discovered every time I emptied it, it would spray all over the front of my pants. I marched an entire parade looking like I pissed my pants. FML

#21089223
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32506) - you deserved it (4566)

On 03/17/2014 at 5:48pm - misc - by Bandking (man) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I took my 12 year-old to the orthodontist. While I was talking to the dentist about what was needing to be done, my daughter listened. With a straight face, the dentist joked, "Yeah, we're going to need to rip off her entire jaw." My daughter won't leave her room anymore. FML

#21098025
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36737) - you deserved it (4252)

On 03/27/2014 at 8:09pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I dislocated my shoulder. My doctor failed to fix it, but did succeed in practically dislocating the other one. FML

#21099597
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35528) - you deserved it (2632)

On 03/29/2014 at 7:06pm - health - by unlucky - United States (Florida)

Today, I found out the reason our toilet paper has been disappearing so fast recently isn't because my son is wanking like a gibbon as I first thought. He's just been using our shredder to make streamers out of the stuff, then hiding it all in a box in his closet. Fucking hell, son. FML

#21128713
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34888) - you deserved it (3483)

On 05/02/2014 at 10:04am - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (London, City of)

Today, I burned my left breast with hot oil at work. Everyone's now calling me "toaster strudel" and singing "This girl is on fire" every time we cross paths. FML

#21154853
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38149) - you deserved it (5143)

On 05/28/2014 at 4:33pm - health - by angelamegan21 - United States (Florida)

Today, my mother-in-law confessed that for the longest time, she had fantasies about killing me for "ruining" her daughter's life, basically because I'm not wealthy enough for my mother-in-law's standards. She made sure to let me know the situation hasn't changed at all. FML

#21162663
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41497) - you deserved it (3056)

On 06/04/2014 at 10:34am - love - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (Lancashire)

Today, my mother came over to check on my new kitten while I was at work. She took a video of the kitten playing on my bed and climbing on my nightstand. Right on top of my vibrator I forgot to put away. I'm not sure if she noticed or not but she's certainly been showing the video around. FML

#21182483
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42071) - you deserved it (12731)

On 06/20/2014 at 10:48pm - intimacy - by misoranomegami (woman) - United States

Today, my dad made the local news. The business he owns is so run down and overgrown that it's officially a public health hazard. FML

#21189640
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38549) - you deserved it (4249)

On 06/26/2014 at 9:39pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Alabama)

Today, I had to drop off my library book. I thought I'd dropped in into the library book drop, but I'd accidentally put it in the post office mail box. To get the book back, I had to explain this incident five times to three librarians, a mailman, and my sister who called me ridiculous. FML

Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on, for half an hour. FML

#20
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41828) - you deserved it (7169)

On 10/13/2008 at 4:29am - animals - by aXel -

Today, after having waited three long months, my shy girlfriend finally gave me a blowjob. Everything was going really well until I said, "Wow, you're really talented. Anyone would think you've been practicing your whole life." FML

#447
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8402) - you deserved it (52636)

On 12/04/2008 at 12:55am - intimacy - by noname - Sent from mobile version



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