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Today, I bought an eye mask to help me sleep during the day, as I work night shifts. Upon waking up after my first time using it, I forgot I was wearing it and thought I had gone blind, causing me to fall out of the bed and split my head open on my bedside table. FML

by idiot / 01/04/2013 at 5:13am / Sweden / Health

Today, I took my grandma to what I thought was a nice movie. An actor used the word "cunt", which prompted her to ask what that word meant in a loud "whisper". She followed up even more loudly with, "Does that mean pussy?" FML

by troll of a gran / 01/08/2013 at 12:10pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked up sixteen flights of stairs to my room to avoid the lift lines. When I was almost to the top, the fire alarm sounded. FML

by tired / 01/16/2013 at 2:02pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was talking to an attractive guy, but I was so nervous that I got tongue-tied and then blurted out, "Stupid autocorrect." FML

by tongue tied / 02/11/2013 at 3:57am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked into my near pitch-black bathroom and saw a person staring back at me. I woke my whole family up with my screams. The person was my reflection. FML

by shelbylove115 / 02/22/2013 at 12:35am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked 6 miles to see my girlfriend. After 5 and a half miles, she broke up with me because I never visit her. FML

by Anonymous / 02/22/2013 at 5:25am / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I was being interviewed for an amazing job when I was asked what animal I would describe myself as. Trying to be prompt, I picked the first thing that came to me. I responded with, "I'd be a turtle because I'm really slow sometimes." FML

by seriously / 03/04/2013 at 7:43pm / United States (Indiana) / Work

Today, I filled out an application for a job at Dairy Queen. I handed my application to the manager along with my résumé, and he said he'd be in contact with me. Not even five minutes after I left, a friend who works there sent me a picture of my crumpled-up application in the trash. FML

by anonymous / 03/01/2013 at 10:52am / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, I was walking through my town when a man on a bicycle rolled up to me and said, "I don't mean this offensively but you're really well-built." I don't know whether he was commenting on my height or comparing me to a shed, but my mother won't stop laughing. FML

by apparently-a-shed / 03/05/2013 at 7:20am / United Kingdom (Worcestershire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. Depressed, I started telling her about my terrible week. A woman came over and asked me to not be so "whiny and negative" in front of her children. FML

by marisacb / 03/13/2013 at 2:52pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my mom about the rough time I'm having over my recent break-up, and how I can't help thinking about my ex every single day. Her attempt to console me involved saying, "Pft. I bet he doesn't think about you every day" and walking away. Thanks. FML

by Anonymous / 03/12/2013 at 2:40pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I went to the gym with my grandma. In the span of an hour, she was hit on more than I ever have been in my life. FML

by Anonymous / 03/17/2013 at 3:09pm / France (Rhone-Alpes) / Miscellaneous

Today, while working the drive-through, a woman ordered a large coffee with four creams. I handed her the coffee, and she took a sip. She then hurled it at me, screaming, "I said four creams, not five!" and sped off, leaving me drenched in hot coffee. FML

by Anonymous / 04/05/2013 at 12:26pm / United States / Work