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Today, I was at a concert and a man came up behind and started to grind me. I pushed him away. He came back and pissed on my leg. FML

by Laura / 03/20/2012 at 6:27pm / United Kingdom (South Ayrshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, in my psychology class, the creepy guy who sits beside me every day leans over and says, "I have an upset stomach, I may have to use the bathroom." FML

by Anonymous / 04/04/2012 at 12:48am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my apartment complex has no rules against having charcoal grills on the porch. So did the guy who lives below me. FML

by Sios / 04/11/2012 at 11:06am / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother made me see the doctor to see if I had irritable bowel syndrome, on the account of how often I go to the restroom. I then had to admit I only go in there to get away from my family. My doctor thought it was hilarious. My mom didn't. FML

by emoflowers / 04/09/2012 at 10:51pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I was bragging about how I had lost 10 pounds. Grinning, I pulled my shirt up and tried to show how big my jeans were on me. Instead, the button flew off my pants. FML

by Anonymous / 04/13/2012 at 6:32am / United States / Health

Today, while driving home, I realized I forgot my house key. Luckily, when I arrived home, someone had already broken into my house. Guess I didn't need the key. FML

by yuuupyup / 04/17/2012 at 8:55pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally found the jewelry my two-year-old son had lost when it got lodged in my foot. FML

by Anonymous / 04/25/2012 at 10:33am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I told the hairdresser that my kid had cut my hair. I don't have kids. I was just really drunk. FML

by faux ma / 04/28/2012 at 11:06pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I've been working on a novel for the past six months, and what would have been mid-way through, I accidentally said the main character's name instead of my boyfriend's. FML

by oh lord / 05/27/2012 at 12:06pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my dad. I thought it was a good idea at the time, at least until he took her aside for a private chat. During the chat, he told her all about my two previous marriages and advised her to "get out while you can". FML

by Norwegian / 06/02/2012 at 12:55pm / Norway / Love

Today, I went on a second date with a guy I really liked, and we started chatting over dinner. That's when he told me about his paranoia, and how he's unsure if I'm out to get him or not. FML

by Anonymous / 06/07/2012 at 12:12am / Singapore / Love

Today, I was forced to listen and politely nod with a smile on my face, as my boss droned on and on, explaining that everything in the universe is slowly getting bigger, aside from him, because he's never felt so short before. FML

by Megan / 06/17/2012 at 3:38pm / United Kingdom (Neath Port Talbot) / Work

Today, I let my imbecile of a brother borrow my car. The keys to his car are now jammed into the ignition of mine. FML

by thesmartone / 06/20/2012 at 11:44pm / United States / Transportation