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Today, I learned that it takes about half an hour to get melted cheese out of your hair. FML

by jzappe / 10/10/2011 at 11:34pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, my husband threw up in the shower after drinking almost a whole bottle of wine. The shower won't drain now. Happy Thanksgiving. FML

by emilyta / 11/24/2011 at 2:14am / United States (Oregon) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, a guy lost control of his umbrella in the wind, which then hit me in the eye, making me bleed. He screamed at me for trying to steal his umbrella. People laughed. FML

by anon / 11/29/2011 at 6:59pm / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous

Today, after a long therapy session, in which I poured out all my feelings of how happy and in love I am with whom I believe to be my soul-mate, my shrink asked me if I was sure this guy wasn't a figment of my imagination. FML

by Anonymous / 12/22/2011 at 12:50am / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I was sleeping over at a friend's house. I went and took a shower, and as I tried to get out, the door jammed. I called my friend for help, and after much tugging, the glass shattered all over me. She panicked and sent her dad to rescue me. It was the first time he and I had met. FML

by Lotje13 / 12/31/2011 at 7:19pm / Hungary (Budapest) / Miscellaneous

Today, my manager came into the dog grooming salon I work at, lecturing about the importance of staying out of a dog's "bite zone". Right then, the dog I was working on bit me. FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2012 at 7:50am / United States / Animals

Today, I learned that my "cash back rewards" for credit card purchases are mailed with the monthly statement. The same monthly statement that goes straight into the shredder or fireplace because I prefer to do my banking online. FML

by twiggy24 / 02/04/2012 at 9:51pm / United States (Kentucky) / Money

Today, I got so bored that I drew a face on my index finger, and made a video of me garrotting it with a string. I ended up rupturing a blood vessel, and had to think up a cover story for my girlfriend to explain my screaming. FML

by Jared / 02/25/2012 at 2:09pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I missed an important phone call. It's been so long since someone has called me that I didn't recognize my own ringtone. FML

by Anonymous / 03/01/2012 at 11:37am / New Zealand / Miscellaneous

Today, I was debating with my now ex-boyfriend over the ethics of using torture in interrogations of suspected criminals. It took just ten minutes before he freely admitted that he'd have no problem "torturing the shit" out of me if he even suspected I was seeing another man. FML

by what the actual fuck / 08/11/2012 at 12:38pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, there was a mandatory staff-wide "cleaning party" for a corporate inspection. I was assigned the outside bar which is infested with full-grown roaches with wings. FML

by Anonymous / 04/17/2012 at 12:26am / United States / Work

Today, I had to take my 15-year-old daughter to remove the handcuffs her father had placed on her as a joke. He didn't know they were real. FML

by Anonymous / 04/30/2012 at 12:44am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I watched my boyfriend have a full on conversation with his penis. He also talks to his penis nicer than he talks to me. FML

by CALIdime_15 / 05/05/2012 at 1:42am / United States / Intimacy