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Today, I finally told my dad that he owes me over 400 dollars, and that I need it or else I'd get kicked out of my apartment. He only gave me 70 and said to get a better job. FML

by needofmoney / 02/17/2011 at 9:16pm / United States (Texas) / Money

Today, I set up a mouse trap to kill the rodent plaguing my kitchen. While lying in bed, I heard an unmistakable snap, and ran to see what I'd caught. The mouse trap was missing. I now have a large, angry, and possibly dying animal running around my house. FML

by mike / 03/11/2011 at 1:34pm / United States (North Carolina) / Animals

Today, I was hiking, and four miles away from my car and civilization, I tripped over a rock into a cactus. I used duct tape, which ripped all the hair off my arms and legs but ignored the spikes. FML

by Broderick / 03/26/2011 at 2:32am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I went up to a girl at a bus stop and started chatting her up. Her response? "Am I being robbed?" FML

by Anonymous / 04/04/2011 at 2:15am / Mozambique (Maputo) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was taking a nap in our country house. I was sick with a fever of 101.3. When I woke up, I see that my family had left to go back to the apartment. They forgot me. FML

by Sickinbed / 06/07/2011 at 6:27am / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I explained to my 5 year old daughter that her older sister from my husband's first marriage lives with her mommy, and my daughter lives with us. She exclaimed, "It's not fair! I want two mommies like she has! Can we swap, I like her mommy better than you anyway!" FML

by stepmom / 06/18/2011 at 5:40am / Australia (Victoria) / Kids

Today, I got asked out for the first time in my life. During a prank call. By a complete stranger. FML

by veebenjoo / 06/28/2011 at 1:35am / United States (New Mexico) / Miscellaneous

Today, I saw a Red Tailed Hawk land on my car and spend a few minutes looking at his reflection in the windshield. This was all really neat until I found out he badly scratched my hood with his large talons. FML

by MakeItMaaco / 07/11/2011 at 1:56pm / United States (Texas) / Transportation

Today, my family dragged me to an Alien-themed museum. They're convinced they were once abducted and felt up by creatures from outer space. They talk, and spend all their money, on nothing else. I'm hungry. FML

by Help / 08/13/2011 at 7:21pm / United States / Geek

Today, while at my boyfriend's cousin's birthday party, I was hanging around with his sister as I didn't know anyone. She was talking to some friends when one of them asked her, "So, is your brother still going out with that crazy chick?" Her answer was to introduce me. FML

by Anonymous / 08/29/2011 at 1:15am / United States / Love

Today, in a desperate bid to avoid going to the doctor, my young son ran into and hid inside a cactus garden. I had to drag him out. FML

by Chandler / 09/16/2011 at 3:26pm / United States / Kids

Today, I spilled hot coffee all over this man at work. I tried apologizing and saying it was an accident, but he then complained, which resulted in me being unemployed. The man I spilled coffee on was my uncle. FML

by Chan / 09/25/2011 at 9:57pm / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, while at work in the service department of a car dealership, I sat in the driver seat of an old man's car to get the mileage. He'd just pissed in the seat. FML

by Anonymous / 09/28/2011 at 12:30pm / United States (South Carolina) / Transportation