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Today, the doorbell rang. I saw my incredibly overbearing mum's car outside, so I stayed quiet and tried to sneak upstairs. As I crawled through the hallway, commando style, I realised the door blinds were still out for cleaning. If scowls could kill, I'd be roasting in Hell right now. FML

#20694934
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41418) - you deserved it (10190)

On 05/30/2013 at 8:40am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, another "gentleman" called and asked for my "services". This is happening a lot lately, because apparently I have the old number of a prostitute. I told him I'm not who he's looking for, to which he replied that I sound like a "sexy lady" and that he wanted to have some fun. FML

#20748362
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43539) - you deserved it (3148)

On 06/26/2013 at 1:05pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter found out what happens when my husband watches Mythbusters and doesn't heed the disclaimer to "Not try this at home." He feels bad about her cut face, but says he's proud he can throw a playing card that hard. FML

Today, I had to go to therapy for my fear of cats. All the way there, my girlfriend kept making cat noises and scratching at me. FML

#20748338
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40385) - you deserved it (7793)

On 06/26/2013 at 12:42pm - animals - by Anonymous - United States (Colorado)

Today, a friend thought it would be funny to make a R.I.P. page for me on Facebook. Most liked post? "Too bad this page is fake." FML

#20771326
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46000) - you deserved it (5144)

On 07/08/2013 at 10:02pm - misc - by the hated - United States (New Jersey)

Today, after my parents left for the weekend, my "friends" decided to throw a party at my house despite my protests. In order to get them to leave, I called the police. I was the only one arrested, while they got warnings. FML

#20783919
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48163) - you deserved it (8469)

On 07/15/2013 at 7:46am - misc - by ugh - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I baked strawberry muffins for my family, putting half a strawberry on each of them. Only when it was too late did I realize that they looked like extremely creepy breasts. FML

#20786008
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35615) - you deserved it (6825)

On 07/16/2013 at 8:01am - misc - by muffin (woman) - Austria

Today, some aggressive asshole was tailgating me on my way home, bumping into me twice. I got scared and kicked my car into high gear and got out of there. Seconds later, a traffic cop came out of nowhere and pulled me over for speeding. FML

#20820283
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43992) - you deserved it (8436)

On 08/04/2013 at 12:53pm - misc - by no, don't save me or nothing (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I was in the restroom at work, snickering at some funny stories on my phone while I took a dump. Little did I know that the asshole in the next stall would report me to our boss, claiming he'd heard weird noises, then looked over the divider and witnessed me jacking off to porn. FML

#20829508
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44802) - you deserved it (7063)

On 08/09/2013 at 6:17pm - work - by fired (man) -

Today, I was feeling guilty about an argument I had with my mother right before she left to go shopping. When she got back, I ran to give her a hug and tell her I loved her. Unfortunately, in the process, I knocked over and broke her new $200 vase. FML

#20851970
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41692) - you deserved it (7585)

On 08/24/2013 at 6:23am - misc - by horrible daughter (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she had ever broken up with anyone. She said, "Yes. You." and walked off. FML

#20833166
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50590) - you deserved it (6165)

On 08/12/2013 at 12:49am - love - by WTF? (man) - United States (Arizona)

Today, my mom visited my new apartment for the first time. I was showing her the bedroom, when she looked into my opened sock drawer and said, "Using Durex, eh? Yeah, you were born 'cause a Trojan split." FML

#20852599
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41281) - you deserved it (4263)

On 08/24/2013 at 6:05pm - kids - by thanks mom ¬_¬ (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was cleaning up litter from the street, when a guy asked who I work for. I said nobody and that I was just doing some community service. Before I could clarify that it was voluntary community service, he called me a "piece of shit delinquent", spat on me, and walked off. FML

#20898099
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41409) - you deserved it (3049)

On 09/27/2013 at 3:01pm - misc - by sigh (man) - United States (Maryland)



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