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Today, I was going down the elevator in my dorm and a friend joined on another floor. He then thought it was a good time to tell me that he slept with my girlfriend when the elevator got stuck. Worst 40 minutes of my life. FML

by smyp / 08/27/2015 at 4:23am / Lithuania / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to go on a date with me tomorrow. His reaction was to pick up a banana and pretend that he was in the middle of a phone call. FML

by Lucachoo / 07/25/2015 at 8:22pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I spent hours cooking a big dinner for my parents for the first time. I guess I made the steak too rare, because when my dad cut into it, he said "Christ! This thing's practically alive!" and said a skilled vet could probably bring the cow it was cut from back to life. FML

by Anonymous / 07/19/2015 at 1:05am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my doctor told me I'm pregnant. Since we've been trying for several years, I called my husband to tell him the good news. Not long after, my doctor called to inform me there'd been a clerical mix-up and I'm not actually pregnant after all. FML

by DevastatedWoman / 08/11/2015 at 11:30am / Belgium (Antwerpen) / Miscellaneous

Today, while trying to quit my horrible job at a pizza place, I got so nervous that I accidentally offered to work double my usual hours for another month. FML

by Anonymous / 08/04/2015 at 9:31am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I had to fire an employee due to his staggering incompetence. The moment I said the F-word, he started fake-coughing, then loudly humming, then went to his desk and pretended not to hear anything I was saying. It took 3 of us to drag him out of the building kicking and screaming. FML

by bruised / 08/15/2015 at 11:47am / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I was signing with my deaf brother at a local McDonald's. We were having a laugh about a game we played last night when this morbidly obese woman waddled over to us. She was utterly convinced we were "talking shit" about her and made a scene about our "hand gestures." Seriously? FML

by Stairs? Noooooo / 09/15/2015 at 6:31pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom texted me, asking what I'd like her to get for dinner tonight. I texted back "Something exotic if you're up for it :)". Except I accidentally typed "erotic". I only noticed the typo when I checked after getting no reply. She comes home in a couple of hours. Shit, shit, shit. FML

by Anonymous / 10/07/2015 at 10:14pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, while I was in the bathroom my mom walked in and tried to have a conversation with me about my bowel movements. I'm 23, and this is a regular thing. FML

by ok cool / 10/12/2015 at 9:53pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned what being stabbed in the leg by an ex feels like. FML

by Anon Y. Mous / 10/02/2015 at 12:24am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I made a Facebook post about my upcoming driving test. My grandpa said he knew I would succeed, prompting my idiot boyfriend to reply "For sure, she really knows how to suck seed ;)" followed by him liking his own comment. FML

by not anymore / 10/30/2015 at 7:29pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, my roommate broke into my spice cabinet so he could get high off of my nutmeg. FML

by GonnaLockUpMySpices / 10/29/2015 at 9:34pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss asked me if I'd realized that "I support ISIS" was written on the bottom of my water bottle. The bottle was a gift from my dad. FML

by Secret Isis supporter / 11/18/2015 at 7:52pm / United States (California) / Work