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Today, I tried asking a guy I like on a date. He turned me down, saying that I "seem like a nice person and all", but after seeing those reality shows on truTV, he "would rather not date a Russian. No offense, though." FML

by vanilla_blossom / 01/05/2016 at 1:49pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I twisted my knee while cutting firewood with my grandpa. The pain was so crippling, I fell over screaming. His response? "Quit your bitching, I had my kneecaps blown off in Vietnam. They had to stitch 'em back on." He's never been to Vietnam, or even out of the country. FML

by fuckoffgramps / 01/24/2016 at 12:10pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, I was feeling terrible and posted on Facebook about how I was stressed out and feeling really lonely. My sister replied saying "#fatfuckproblems". 13 people liked it and some so-called friends posted stuff like "rekt" and "SLAYED, bitch!", all in less than a minute. FML

by Anonymous / 01/29/2016 at 2:12pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous

Today, I gave my boyfriend a $300 cooler for Valentine's Day. When I asked what he got me, he pointed at my stomach. I'm 3 months pregnant with his baby. FML

by woahlaura / 02/14/2016 at 11:26am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I have to attend a mandatory parenting class due to a false report filed against me with CPS. My son's school play is at the same time as today's class, and I'll have to miss it so I can learn how to be a "better mom". FML

by irony / 02/25/2016 at 10:08am / United States (Kentucky) / Kids

Today, after weeks of my brother being laid off from work, I was able to fenagle him an interview for one of the entry level positions at my work. He got the job, only to refuse it because it doesn't pay enough. I thought 9 dollars an hour was a lot more than 0 dollars an hour. FML.

by WretchedOwls / 03/03/2016 at 6:59pm / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, I made the decision to lighten my hair from dark brown to blonde. I thought the stylist knew what she was doing, but I ended up with my hair fried off and orange. FML

by Anonymous / 03/04/2016 at 9:52am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I paid $500 for a gym membership after moving into a brand new house, since 12 years of software development has taken its toll. When I told my instructor about my goal to lose 35lbs in two months, he simply said, "Yeah... That's not going to happen. Try another gym," and left promptly. FML

by samsterling / 03/13/2016 at 6:30pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, for what has seemed to be the hundredth time, my labeled bagged lunch was stolen from the fridge at my workplace. I stormed into my boss's office ready to complain, only to find him eating it. FML

by Jake Leiter / 03/20/2016 at 2:12pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Work

Today, I went on my first date. When we got to the restaurant he started hitting on the waitress. As soon as we sat down he took out his iPod and watched a video, then took out his phone and went on Tinder. Then about a minute before the bill came he dissapeared to the bathroom for 20 minutes. FML

by hollyglambert / 03/27/2016 at 1:21pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out one of my friends had never seen the "Two Girls, One Cup" video, so I loaded it up and told him to watch it. I knew he was squeamish, but I didn't expect him to actually pass out. He cracked his head on the side of my desk and had to be rushed to the hospital. FML

by shameonme / 04/01/2016 at 3:46pm / United States (Idaho) / Health

Today, after meeting my new girlfriend, my mom dyed and cut her hair the exact same way my girlfriend has hers. FML

Today, after having waited three long months, my shy girlfriend finally gave me a blowjob. Everything was going really well until I said, "Wow, you're really talented. Anyone would think you've been practicing your whole life." FML

by noname / 12/04/2008 at 12:55am / Intimacy