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Today, a man asked about fishing in the river which flows beside where I work. I said you could, but anything you caught under 5 inches has to be thrown back. His wife then said, "Wish I knew that before I married him." I started to laugh. The man almost cried and complained to my boss. FML

by Anonymous / 05/26/2013 at 8:40pm / United Kingdom (South Ayrshire) / Work

Today, I got a concussion and several staples in my head. As it turns out, watering flowers is much more dangerous than it might sound. FML

by Sean / 06/09/2013 at 10:27pm / United States / Health

Today, I went to a new bar with friends. After arriving I became extremely gassy; I planned a smooth release during the loud music. Little did I know the bar occasionally dips its music to hear the guests singing. When the music turned off all eyes turned to me. FML

by nomwar / 06/17/2013 at 9:55am / United States / Health

Today, a bug buzzed into my ear. In response, I punched myself in the face. FML

by sugarysofalof / 06/13/2013 at 12:22am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was at the airport when I saw a woman drop her bags and run to her husband. Thinking that someone might steal them, I picked up her bags and brought them over to her. She thanked me by slapping me, calling me a bitch and calling security. FML

by Anonymous / 06/19/2013 at 8:13pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad invited our very cute neighbor inside to introduce him to me. I was wearing pajamas and hadn't showered in two days due to being extremely sick. FML

by Selina / 06/22/2013 at 6:59pm / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, I fell asleep listening to my music and tanning at the beach. Not only did I wake up with a sunburn, but my iPhone had been stolen. FML

by maggie2014 / 06/23/2013 at 7:48pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, a customer broke my nose for refusing to give him a discount because the product he was buying had a fine layer of dust on the box. FML

by Whytetrash / 06/20/2013 at 2:32am / Australia (New South Wales) / Work

Today, I politely asked a man to not sleep on a tram stop that I had to clean. He got up, and while I leaned forward to pick up some trash from the ground nearby, I felt a warm stream on my back. Now I can't get the smell of urine off my clothes. FML

by FUCK.THIS.JOB. / 07/08/2013 at 1:57am / Finland (Southern Finland) / Work

Today, I realized my online dating profile has gotten more views with no picture than it has with my picture. FML

by Anonymous / 07/09/2013 at 1:11pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, I came home from work to my hot roommate cooking and wearing nothing but an apron. She pulled me into her room and things went great. At least, they did before I woke up in the break room with my coworkers and boss all gathered around, listening to me talking in my sleep. FML

by Dirty_Mind_69 / 07/20/2013 at 4:35am / United States (Louisiana) / Work

Today, I came home at 1am to find my mom sitting on my couch, ranting about how I'm not supposed to stay up this late. I'm 26 and I don't know how she got into my house. FML

by whowhat / 07/11/2013 at 2:26am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to have a serious talk with my 30-year-old husband about why Sesame Street isn't a "soap opera." FML

by imagrouch / 07/30/2013 at 10:25am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love