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Today, while riding the subway, I fell asleep. I awoke to find that someone had stolen my glasses. From off my face. FML

by Anonymous / 11/24/2013 at 6:19pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Transportation

Today, I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. After telling her everything I'm going through, she looked at me and said "You know... every five years or so I get a case completely beyond my ability to help." I guess it's been five years. FML

by elle / 11/19/2013 at 12:31pm / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, I was taking some clean bedsheets down from the top of the wardrobe. As I pulled the top sheet down, a cat jumped onto my face, claws and all, before falling to the floor and running away. Thing is, I don't own a cat and I have no idea where in the house it has hidden now. FML

by Seriously_Scaredy_Cat / 11/27/2013 at 2:08am / United States / Animals

Today, my 5-year-old decided that it would be a great idea to try to paint her nails in secret. As a result, I now get to learn how to remove copious amounts of dark nail polish from a wide variety of materials, including my apartment's 1/2-inch thick shag rug. FML

by Fortunato_18 / 12/02/2013 at 1:18am / United States / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I would like to thank the program designer that put "Set as home page" directly under "Remove from history". FML

by The_Rest_of_the_Story / 12/14/2013 at 1:38am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I managed to infect a clean computer with a virus while looking up info on how to rid my other computer of the same virus. FML

by me / 12/14/2013 at 8:49pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my mom isn't coming to see me for Christmas. Instead she'll be spending it in jail for a DUI and battery. Thank you to my cocklick of an aunt for taking a recovering alcoholic to a bar and pressuring her into relapse. FML

by jhulich / 12/24/2013 at 3:48pm / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I announced my pregnancy to my husband. He responded with, "Well shit, when do these faucets turn on?" and started honking my boobs. FML

by Anonymous / 12/26/2013 at 12:27pm / United States (Alabama) / Love

Today, I lost a bet with my grandma, and now she's coming with me on my next date. FML

by Anonymous / 01/07/2014 at 11:21pm / United States (Maryland) / Love

Today, after 3 months of no orgasms, I was in the shower, working to rectify that. As I was seconds away from coming, my dad loudly knocked on the door and demanded to know how much longer I was going to take. Probably another 3 months now, dad. FML

by sally / 01/25/2014 at 12:42pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, I moved back into my dorm. My ex-girlfriend, and the guy she left me for, now cohabit next door. Now I get to hear them screwing while I try to do my homework. FML

by Order of the Dangling Testicles / 01/28/2014 at 3:28pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, while in the prison I work at, I came down with severe digestion issues. Master control probably laughed as they watched me wait at the security gates in a cold sweat, squeezing my ass-cheeks together like an inmate smuggling contraband. FML

by TwistedCherub1 / 02/01/2014 at 5:42pm / United States / Work

Today, my mother-in-law tried to "accidentally" run me over. FML

by Anonymous / 02/06/2014 at 6:07pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous