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Today, I found out what the two girls I sit near to fight about every day: seating. The loser has to sit next to me. FML

by Anonymous / 12/03/2012 at 12:47pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend and I were in the mood for something different. So we decided to have sex in the shower. When we were finished I heard a voice outside the door asking if we needed a towel. It was my mother. FML

by Steve / 12/16/2012 at 1:25am / United States (Wisconsin) / Intimacy

Today, I was waiting in line to use the bathroom. I complained to the guy next to me about how long the lady was taking. I kept making jokes about it, but he never seemed to laugh. Finally, the door opened and out came a lady in a wheelchair. The guy next to me was her husband. FML

by Anonymous / 12/19/2012 at 12:12pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up on my boyfriend's bedroom floor. When I asked him why I was there, he said I'd gotten too hot, so he rolled me off his bed. I have the flu and a fever. FML

by Anonymous / 12/25/2012 at 11:56pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I bought an eye mask to help me sleep during the day, as I work night shifts. Upon waking up after my first time using it, I forgot I was wearing it and thought I had gone blind, causing me to fall out of the bed and split my head open on my bedside table. FML

by idiot / 01/04/2013 at 5:13am / Sweden / Health

Today, while making dinner I cut my finger badly with a knife. When I yelled for my dad to drive me to the hospital, he accused me of lying to get attention. He had to taste my blood before he decided it wasn't red-colored corn syrup. FML

by Anonymous / 01/14/2013 at 12:52am / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, I took my grandma to what I thought was a nice movie. An actor used the word "cunt", which prompted her to ask what that word meant in a loud "whisper". She followed up even more loudly with, "Does that mean pussy?" FML

by troll of a gran / 01/08/2013 at 12:10pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked up sixteen flights of stairs to my room to avoid the lift lines. When I was almost to the top, the fire alarm sounded. FML

by tired / 01/16/2013 at 2:02pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was talking to an attractive guy, but I was so nervous that I got tongue-tied and then blurted out, "Stupid autocorrect." FML

by tongue tied / 02/11/2013 at 3:57am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked into my near pitch-black bathroom and saw a person staring back at me. I woke my whole family up with my screams. The person was my reflection. FML

by shelbylove115 / 02/22/2013 at 12:35am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my very conservative mom met my girlfriend, who recently shaved her head in support of her best friend, who has cancer. My girlfriend looks beautiful and feminine even with her still very short hair. My mom, however, keeps insisting that I'm dating "a confused transgender". FML

by Anonymous / 02/23/2013 at 8:42pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked 6 miles to see my girlfriend. After 5 and a half miles, she broke up with me because I never visit her. FML

by Anonymous / 02/22/2013 at 5:25am / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I was being interviewed for an amazing job when I was asked what animal I would describe myself as. Trying to be prompt, I picked the first thing that came to me. I responded with, "I'd be a turtle because I'm really slow sometimes." FML

by seriously / 03/04/2013 at 7:43pm / United States (Indiana) / Work