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Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that he should sing that song that goes 'I'm too sexy for my shirt' when we have sex. Now, every time that we have sex, that song is going to be stuck in my head. FML

by tkr / 02/05/2012 at 10:14pm / United Kingdom / Intimacy

Today, while working as a receptionist at a health clinic a woman came to settle her account. Before she left, she held out her closed palm and asked if I could put something in the bin for her. I held out my hand and watched many bits of chewed fingernails land in my palm. FML

by Tay / 02/16/2012 at 8:29pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Work

Today, I was sitting on the bus and as I'm quite short my legs were dangling. Some guy, who wasn't looking where he was going, tripped over my foot and went flying. He and everyone else on the bus glared at me like it was deliberate. The man next to me even changed seats in disgust. FML

by Whoopsie / 02/22/2012 at 10:53am / United States / Transportation

Today, I ordered Chinese food. As I approached the restaurant to pick it up, I took out my keys and tried to unlock the front door. By the time I realized my mistake, everyone inside the restaurant had noticed and started laughing at me. FML

by Eric / 02/27/2012 at 4:58pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I accidentally shaved part of my eyebrow. It now looks like I'm trying to raise one without moving the other. FML

by jake / 02/29/2012 at 9:49am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I went with my friends to see a movie. I handed my student card over to the cashier as proof I was old enough to see it, and he started laughing hysterically at my picture. Then he called over a colleague, who also started laughing. FML

by Anonymous / 03/07/2012 at 1:51pm / United Kingdom (Lincolnshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realised that I've been working in an all-male environment for too long when my supervisor walked into the canteen visibly scratching his balls, and this seemed like a completely normal occurrence. FML

by Anonymous / 03/21/2012 at 9:25am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Work

Today, an old lady savagely shoved me out of a queue, after I'd been waiting for twenty minutes. I couldn't bring myself to fight back or say anything, and ended up dragging my sorry arse to the back of the queue. FML

by dannyboy / 03/30/2012 at 12:44pm / United Kingdom (Cornwall) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned that an inspired gardening spree is not as fulfilling as some would have us believe. One punctured hand, cactussed foot and bruised ankle later, I'm beginning to regret waking up this morning and thinking, "What the hell, I'll nuke the shit out of some weeds." FML

by Baustigt / 03/28/2012 at 7:19am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, on my first day of a new factory job, I discovered that my new boss had lied to me about my hours. I found this out when my coworkers burst out laughing when I mentioned having the weekends off, and talking about my recreational plans. FML

by Anonymous / 04/21/2012 at 10:22pm / United States / Work

Today, I went with my boyfriend to the optometrist for him to buy contact lenses for the first time. He said the detail was much better than glasses. I excitedly asked him if he could see my freckles better now, and after a long and disappointed look at my face, he said "Nope, just more acne." FML

by Anonymous / 05/06/2012 at 12:41am / Canada (Alberta) / Love

Today, it was the first time I was going to fly first class. I ended up in the bathroom almost the whole flight with diarrhea. FML

by Anonymous / 05/20/2012 at 6:21am / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my wife and two teenage daughters' periods are all one week after the other. I am living in hell almost every single day. FML

by anonymous / 06/14/2012 at 10:54am / China (Jiangsu) / Health