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Today, I got a new roommate in the dorms. When I got back to my room, I could smell her feet before I even opened my door. FML

by floggingnasty / 02/13/2011 at 6:38am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I had my boyfriend come over for dinner for the first time. It was all going well until my dad started explaining to my boyfriend how to use toilet paper. He even demonstrated it. FML

by Anonymous / 02/16/2011 at 12:03pm / United Kingdom (East Sussex) / Love

Today, I went out for pizza with my boyfriend. He loaned me his debit card and loudly announced in front of everyone that his pin code was the numerical equivalent of "Fart", and repeated it twice, just in case I hadn't heard. FML

by datingamoron / 02/14/2011 at 2:14am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was working as an intern at a day care. One of the kids touched my chest a couple of times, and I jokingly told him that he shouldn't touch old and ugly women like me. So he started groping the little girls instead. When the other teachers asked him why, he said I had told him to. FML

by Mikabe / 02/14/2011 at 1:51pm / Sweden (Varmlands Lan) / Kids

Today, I went to a party 40 minutes away by bus with some friends. We missed the bus, waited half an hour for the second, and arrived just in time to hear the policemen say, "Party's over. Get outta here." FML

by inthecold / 02/19/2011 at 12:41am / United States (Colorado) / Transportation

Today, I was at a local talent show and during a piano performance I had to go to the bathroom. I sang along in the bathroom but was unaware how loud I was until I walked out and everyone started applauding me while the pianist was still playing. FML

by American idol / 04/06/2011 at 2:19am / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister and I both got "good luck" cards from our aunt wishing us well on our exams. My sister's said "We know you will do well". Mine said "We will love you no matter what happens". FML

by simonjudy / 05/14/2011 at 4:09pm / United Kingdom (Warwickshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, as I was sleeping I heard something bang on my door. I walked on my balcony only to find my boyfriend throwing rocks trying to wake me. He didn't see me and threw a rock right into my eye. FML

by ouchmyeye / 06/10/2011 at 12:59am / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I finally used the statistics book that I forked out $120 to buy. To kill an ant. FML

by jaybob18 / 06/17/2011 at 2:07am / United States (New York) / Animals

Today, my dad thought it would be OK to make sound effects for everything he did, in a public park, with me tagging along behind. FML

by SaggyBoy135 / 07/12/2011 at 8:19am / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, my neighbour's boiler broke and flooded his home. To solve the problem, the water company shut off the neighbourhood's water supply while they fixed his boiler. I am now unable to shower, and I smell like a zoo animal. FML

by failure / 07/14/2011 at 12:24pm / Russian Federation (Saint Petersburg City) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in a cinema watching a movie to review in the local paper. Suddenly, the guy behind me leans in and starts whispering and hissing "Do it... Do... It. DO IT" for the rest of the movie. I'm still not sure what he wanted me to do, but he did smell of vomit and had a tea-cosy on his head. FML

by Username / 08/02/2011 at 12:43am / Australia / Miscellaneous

Today, my friend's dad had a heart attack. Without realizing what I was saying, I texted her, "If you need anything, you know I'll be there in a heartbeat." FML

by Anonymous / 08/05/2011 at 12:18am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous