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Today, I was drunk and crashed on my friend's couch to sober up. On the drive home, a cop pulled me over for seemingly no reason. He kept asking if I had been drinking, to which I answered no. Finally, he told me to look in the mirror. My friends had written all over my face while I slept. FML

by Anonymous / 05/18/2009 at 2:45am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a parking ticket. I put the ticket in my bag and accidentally left the bag in my friends car. When I returned, the car window was smashed, my bag was gone. I had to call the police department and ask them to send me a new ticket, on top of the $1000 or so I'd already lost. FML

by Anonymous / 06/04/2009 at 12:14am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I went to the bar I go to every week. My favorite bartender told me I owed $50 for a tab because the waiter screwed up and undercharged me. The tab was from when my friends bought me drinks to cheer me up because my girlfriend moved away. I ended up paying for my own drinks plus theirs. FML

by doubledown / 06/04/2009 at 12:52am / United States (Maine) / Money

Today, I was woken up by a funky smell. My dog had eaten a dead bird and thrown up all over my bed and floor. At 4 o'clock in the morning I had to clean up regurgitated bits of bird, feathers, blood and dog food. The smell still hasn't gone away. FML

by Tom / 06/15/2009 at 6:07am / Israel (Tel Aviv) / Animals

Today, I was flying home to Milwaukee after a weekend in South Carolina. When I got to the airport, my reservation didn't match up with any flights. Turns out Expedia booked me on a flight that doen't exist. I spent ten hours waiting in the airport for a two hour flight. FML

by lojo / 06/17/2009 at 12:02am / United States (Minnesota) / Transportation

Today, I was feeling really upset and called my boyfriend. He said "Can you feel upset a little later? I'm watching a movie." FML

by noname / 02/18/2009 at 3:35pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Love

Today, I went to have dessert with my boyfriend. We ordered some Jello. I said that I loved Jello because it is so fun and jiggly. My boyfriend said, "Like you. Except the fun part". FML

by Jello / 02/25/2009 at 9:23pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, at work a woman came up to the check out counter and when I greeted her she said "oh honey, you are so beautiful!" I immediately smiled and thanked her, then she looked at me and said "oh, not you." and then pointed to her ear. She was on her bluetooth. FML

by kimosabe / 03/02/2009 at 2:58pm / United States (Idaho) / Work

Today, I had just reached in my purse without looking to grab a granola bar when my boss walked in my office. We talked for a few minutes as he kept giving me strange looks and looking at my hand. He left and I realized I hadn't taken a granola bar out, but a tampon instead. FML

by Anonymous / 03/19/2009 at 12:41pm / United States (Connecticut) / Work

Today, I went to a club and my friends and I went up on the stage, then the security told me to get down and said the stage was only for girls. I'm 23. I'm a girl. FML

by Anonymous / 03/29/2009 at 5:14am / Taiwan (T'ai-pei) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend was in the shower, and I decided to go join him. I took all my clothes off and stepped into the bathroom. I slipped on some water, and ended up hitting my head on the toilet and passing out. When I came to, I saw my boyfriend's dad looking over me in his towel. Wrong person. FML

by showerstupid / 04/04/2009 at 4:04am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I was driving my car like any ordinary day. My dad has been harping on me about not checking the oil, so I finally checked it. Driving down the road my hood flew up and shattered my windshield. I forgot to latch my hood after checking the oil. $300 for a new windshield. The oil was fine. FML

by Anonymous / 04/10/2009 at 10:35am / United States (Maine) / Money

Today, I was giving a tour on campus when one of my friends approached us and said "Don't go here, the weed's too expensive." and walked away. Thinking he's coming back to say he's joking, he instead says "Just kidding, its really cheap." and walked away. I may or may not still have a job. FML

by JimmyJazzNJ / 04/11/2009 at 10:51pm / United States (Kentucky) / Work