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Today, a potential customer was looking at a treadmill at the fitness warehouse I work at. Once he was done testing it out, I asked him if he'd like me to order it for him. His reply? "Nah. I only had a go on it 'cause it looked like fun. Hey, but you could order one for yourself, huh, chubs?" FML

by Anonymous / 08/13/2014 at 10:18am / United Kingdom (Devon) / Work

Today, I went on a date with the world's biggest lightweight. She got blind drunk on wine before dessert, and slurred, "You look like... like a black... blueberry." Amused, I said, "You mean a blackberry?" She stared at me for several long seconds, confused, then passed out. Check please. FML

by wowzer / 08/28/2014 at 3:58pm / Puerto Rico / Love

Today, I found out that my sister licks all the flavoring off Doritos and puts them back in the bag. FML

by UghDude / 09/06/2014 at 9:35am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to my grandma's yard sale, only to find my baby pictures being sold for 25 cents each. FML

by Forge / 10/11/2014 at 10:43am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I'm on the last day of my honeymoon in Ireland. My wife and I have an amazing hotel room and a huge bed. She's passed out drunk and if I even touch her, she needs the bucket next to our bed. So much for finishing our week on a "fun" note. FML

by superman21 / 09/28/2014 at 6:55pm / Ireland / Love

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I cut my hair short and he didn't want people to think he was gay. FML

by dykerino / 10/11/2014 at 8:11pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Love

Today, a day after being informed that keeping my wallet in my front pocket was "strange", my wallet was stolen from my back pocket. FML

by NotDarkKnight / 10/07/2014 at 8:46pm / United States (Georgia) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was driving with my grandma and she was going 30 over the speed limit. To slow her down, I said, "Hey look, the police". She slammed on the brakes so hard I hit my head on the dashboard. FML

by karmaaa / 10/16/2014 at 4:56pm / United States (Iowa) / Transportation

Today, I started at a new school. It's a pretty great school, but there's only one problem: Everybody thinks I'm a teacher. I'm only a freshman. FML

by Anonymous / 10/08/2014 at 10:13pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got approached by a lady while eating at a fast-food restaurant who asked if I could spare five dollars. Confidently, I pulled out my wallet to show her that I had no cash, only to reveal a perfectly crisp five dollar bill that I had completely forgotten about. FML

by Yeah / 10/24/2014 at 1:02am / United States (Texas) / Money

Today, I got in an argument with my teacher for always comparing me to my sister that she had a few years before. After I said, "I'm not my sister so please stop comparing me to her," she responded, "Of course you're not your sister, I actually like your sister." FML

by Not so much of a teachers pet / 10/22/2014 at 4:55pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was speeding home, bursting to take a crap. I pulled into my driveway and made it inside, before my wife told me the plumber was still working on our pipes. I ended up having to take a crap in my own backyard, behind a tree. FML

by Anonymous / 11/13/2014 at 1:01pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I spent 20 minutes arguing with the class dipshit, trying to convince her that wifi hot-spots are not in fact saunas powered by wifi. FML

by Donutsarelife / 11/19/2014 at 10:09am / United States / Geek