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Today, I'm babysitting two 6 year old kids. One of them won't stop screaming, and the other kid found his mom's vibrator and won't stop playing spaceship with it. The parents will be home in an hour. FML

by moomanjohnny / 05/31/2014 at 2:40am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I spent the whole day doing a 500 piece puzzle. The last piece didn't fit. FML

by Puzzlepiece / 06/28/2014 at 10:08am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was taking a shower when the soap began to burn my eyes worse than they've ever burned before. I quickly grabbed whatever cloth I could find to rub my eyes with. My dad's old underwear was the last thing I would expect to find lying near the tub. FML

by x.x / 07/06/2014 at 1:09am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I texted my mom asking how she was doing. Apparently she's great, and on her honeymoon. I didn't know she was getting married, or that my parents had just gotten divorced. FML

by morgan_rumm / 07/11/2014 at 4:02pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to tan naked in a secluded part of my yard, so I wouldn't get tan lines. I even felt adventurous enough to leave my bikini and towel inside. This idea backfired however when my mom stopped home from work, assumed I wasn't home, and locked all the doors before she left again. FML

by Anonymous / 07/13/2014 at 12:08am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my psychotic step-dad asked me if I'm doing drugs. I replied with a massive amount of sarcasm: "Yeah, all of 'em. Especially meth." He flipped out, searched my room top to bottom, then grounded me "for good" until I tell him where I hid the supposed drugs. FML

by Anonymous / 08/09/2014 at 1:32pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, my husband jolted in bed and while still half-asleep said, "I had a nightmare; I dreamt we had a kid." I'm 8 months pregnant. FML

by mamagelmane / 08/08/2014 at 12:27am / France (Lorraine) / Kids

Today, I woke up to find a huge zit directly between my two eyebrows. My friends have started calling me "The North Star." FML

by Anonymous / 09/07/2014 at 11:55am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, a potential customer was looking at a treadmill at the fitness warehouse I work at. Once he was done testing it out, I asked him if he'd like me to order it for him. His reply? "Nah. I only had a go on it 'cause it looked like fun. Hey, but you could order one for yourself, huh, chubs?" FML

by Anonymous / 08/13/2014 at 10:18am / United Kingdom (Devon) / Work

Today, I went on a date with the world's biggest lightweight. She got blind drunk on wine before dessert, and slurred, "You look like... like a black... blueberry." Amused, I said, "You mean a blackberry?" She stared at me for several long seconds, confused, then passed out. Check please. FML

by wowzer / 08/28/2014 at 3:58pm / Puerto Rico / Love

Today, I'm on the last day of my honeymoon in Ireland. My wife and I have an amazing hotel room and a huge bed. She's passed out drunk and if I even touch her, she needs the bucket next to our bed. So much for finishing our week on a "fun" note. FML

by superman21 / 09/28/2014 at 6:55pm / Ireland / Love

Today, I was driving with my grandma and she was going 30 over the speed limit. To slow her down, I said, "Hey look, the police". She slammed on the brakes so hard I hit my head on the dashboard. FML

by karmaaa / 10/16/2014 at 4:56pm / United States (Iowa) / Transportation

Today, a day after being informed that keeping my wallet in my front pocket was "strange", my wallet was stolen from my back pocket. FML

by NotDarkKnight / 10/07/2014 at 8:46pm / United States (Georgia) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.