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Today, I fell asleep on the couch. My parents didn't wake me up, went to bed and set our burglar alarm. If I trip a motion sensor, a siren will go off. The motion sensor in my living room is pointed directly at me and I have to pee. It's been 2 hours. FML

by anonymous / 10/21/2014 at 10:11pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, there was a laundry basket of my clothes sitting in my room. My dad asked me if they were clean or not. When I said I didn't know, he picked up a piece of my clothing, sniffed it, and said it smelled fine. That piece of clothing just so happened to be my underwear. FML

by socreepedouticanteven / 10/26/2014 at 8:05pm / United States (West Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my co-worker threw a rubber mallet at my face, and I broke my finger in the process of saving my face. She then told me to "take it up with HR, bitch". She's the HR manager. FML

by spreadburger / 11/20/2014 at 7:29pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, on our second date, the unemployed guy I'm seeing tried to convince me to open a joint bank account in our name. FML

by back to cock-hunting / 11/15/2014 at 2:58pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Love

Today, I was rock climbing. I had my equipment on and I saw a really cute girl. I went for the hardest climb in the gym, and while jumping up to grab the rock, I simultaneously farted, missed the rock, fell to the mat and broke my arm in the process. FML

by AOart1st / 11/20/2014 at 10:25pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, my parents gave me fat burner pills for my birthday. FML

by fatty / 11/17/2014 at 4:05pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, thanks to some asswipe drunk driver fleeing the cops the wrong way down a one-way street, I've now had my third wreck this year. My insurance premium's now higher than Bob Marley in a weed factory. FML

by financially_wreckd / 12/20/2014 at 7:53pm / Money

Today, my father was playing with my son and his toy animals. He picked one up and said, "What is this? Some kind of African horse?" It was a zebra. FML

by Lily_Rain77 / 01/07/2015 at 7:52pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, the guy I've been seeing for a few months told me he couldn't stay overnight because his mom would yell at him for not coming home. We're both 30 and I didn't know he still lived at home. FML

by thenewgirl29 / 02/05/2015 at 11:42am / Canada (Alberta) / Love

Today, at dinner, my downstair's neighbors described how they can listen to most of my movements, including the buzz of my phone when I text late at night. I think all of us knew it is not my phone that vibrates at that time. FML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2015 at 2:57am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I got fired from my new waitress job after 2 shifts. They said I wasn't experienced enough to handle the fast pace. I thought I'd been doing well so I asked my friend who works there what really happened. Apparently not showing my boobs enough at a family place was grounds for dismissal. FML

by miewann / 03/03/2015 at 2:06pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, my boss used Siri to settle a debate we were having in our team meeting. Siri responded by calling him "Daddy". FML

Today, my sister and I went to visit my grandma. She looked at my sister and said, "You are just so skinny! You need to eat more cookies!" She then turned to me and said, "You should lay off the cookies!" FML