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Today, while leaving a restaurant, a little boy grabbed onto my leg and screamed, "Mommy! Don't leave me!" Then he looked up at my face, said, "Ewww," and ran away screaming in fear. FML

by superconfused16 / 08/20/2010 at 6:36pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a little too drunk and confessed to my fiancé, the love of my life, that I've been faking my orgasms all along. I hate that I can't lie when I'm drunk. FML

by Anonymous / 10/02/2010 at 12:28am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, we surprised my grandpa by being at his house when he arrived. We haven't seen him in seven years. He had a small heart attack. It was his birthday. FML

by Sean / 10/27/2010 at 6:04am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, in art class, everybody was showing the paintings that we have been working on for weeks. Everyone was cheering and clapping. When mine came up, nobody clapped. FML

by 6boss / 11/03/2010 at 1:00am / Miscellaneous

Today, everyone commented on how realistic my "fat suit" was. I didn't dress up for Halloween. FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2010 at 12:53am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to Seattle with my mom to visit my pregnant sister, only to end up being dragged to a store to buy maternity clothes. The saleswoman apologized to me repeatedly for not having a lounge for the fathers, but congratulated me on the baby. I'm a girl. FML

by harvdog / 10/02/2010 at 3:43pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister asked me if she could go into my closet to borrow my favourite dress for a party she was going to tonight. When I asked her where she was going, she said to a Halloween costume party. My sister is going as a prostitute. FML

by meegs / 10/16/2010 at 8:31pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, a kid came Trick-or-Treating at my house. When I told her it was still one more day until Halloween, and that I didn't have any candy, she wound-up her fist, punched me in the groin, and ran off laughing. FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2010 at 8:00pm / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, I got my science test back. I thought I did a horrible job on it, but only three were circled. I was happy but doubtful that I did so well, so I asked my teacher just to make sure. He said it was faster to circle the correct answers. FML

by lovemyteacher / 11/14/2010 at 12:33am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, a guy at my work asked if I could fix his computer in his cubicle. The first thing I see on the screen when he logs me onto it is an anime porn game with tentacles. My boss walks by, stares at me and then laughs uncontrollably. FML

by Jack / 11/30/2010 at 3:48am / Intimacy

Today, there were reports of a drunk and disorderly male, and I arrived at the scene only to discover a drunk guy having explosive diarrhoea in a photo booth. He turned to me and shouted "God save the Queen!" It's then that I remembered it was my job to do something about it. FML

by Anonymous / 10/14/2010 at 9:42am / Reserved / Work

Today, I was stuck behind an elderly man on a one-way street into my university campus. There was no traffic in front of him and we were both going under the speed limit, so I honked my horn at him to speed up. He ended up double-parking in the last two spots. FML

by Anonymous / 12/03/2010 at 6:42am / Canada (Ontario) / Transportation

Today, I got home from work to find an eviction notice taped to my door, stating that I was a nuisance and had 30 days to vacate the property. I live at home with my parents. FML

by homeless / 12/14/2010 at 1:41pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous