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Today, I shaved my face after several months of growth. This would be OK if my 4-year-old daughter would still talk to me. Apparently she doesn't recognise me, and I'm scary. FML

#20887990
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42430) - you deserved it (3579)

On 09/19/2013 at 5:18pm - kids - by Smoothskin (man) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, I called my dad to let him know some details for my wedding had changed. It would have been really nice if he had paused the porno I could clearly hear in the background. FML

#20921288
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47257) - you deserved it (3907)

On 10/15/2013 at 6:10am - intimacy - by hes (woman) - United States

Today, I saw two kids having a fistfight in the street. I ran over to stop them, and one ended up hitting me in the eye. I now have a black eye over what turned out to have been a fight over who was going to get the last slice of pizza. FML

#20900036
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38116) - you deserved it (9157)

On 09/29/2013 at 1:10am - kids - by ahuman - United States

Today, during a family dinner, my 5-year-old son excitedly told everyone that I let him use my "douche" last week. My parents glared at me in anger and horror, and only after they left did I find out that his brother had told him that's what my loofah is called. FML

#20915293
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38706) - you deserved it (3142)

On 10/10/2013 at 4:00pm - kids - by Lady Douche of Asscrackington (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, my boyfriend's response to me saying "Most women like a bit of filth in the bedroom every now and again" was to start farting in bed. Not quite what I meant. FML

#20946422
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42448) - you deserved it (10087)

On 11/05/2013 at 1:01pm - intimacy - by roughsexgonewrong (woman) - United Kingdom (London, City of)

Today, I announced my pregnancy to my husband. He responded with, "Well shit, when do these faucets turn on?" and started honking my boobs. FML

#21006112
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37451) - you deserved it (5211)

On 12/26/2013 at 12:27pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Alabama)

Today, my wife and I were watching a football game. While someone was about to score, she started screaming, "Go!" and "Come on! You can do it! Go baby, go!" My first thought was that I wished I could still make her scream like that. FML

#21026614
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53455) - you deserved it (11382)

On 01/13/2014 at 2:48pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Tennessee)

Today, my mother thought it would be funny to sneak into my room at night and scream like a demon after I had explained to her how scared I was of the exorcist movie I had just seen. She claims it wasn't her. FML

#21054343
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43005) - you deserved it (5831)

On 02/08/2014 at 12:13pm - misc - by so scared - Canada (Ontario)

Today, the highlight of my day was when I figured out that my little brother's toy dump truck could actually dump stuff out. I'm 18. FML

#21048030
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36389) - you deserved it (7183)

On 02/02/2014 at 11:13am - misc - by LarissaT18 (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I was walking home, when a car heading the other way hit a traffic cone. I must have been an asshole in a previous life, because the universe decided to make sure the cone flew into the side of my head. The bystanders were shocked for all of two seconds before laughing. FML

#21068594
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41989) - you deserved it (3942)

On 02/22/2014 at 4:02pm - health - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I came home from a long day from work, only to find a strange woman in my apartment. She explained that my roommate told her it was OK to spend a few days here. I guess he forgot that the room was mine. FML

#21083808
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36046) - you deserved it (2979)

On 03/11/2014 at 3:21am - misc - by why me? (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was randomly selected for a pat-down while at the airport. Being from the south, I said thanks out of pure habit. The guy replied, "No sir, thank YOU." and winked. FML

#21098671
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38039) - you deserved it (4867)

On 03/28/2014 at 4:30pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Maryland)

Today, I watched a drunk guy getting thrown out of a bar, then get tased on the sidewalk outside. He was our designated driver. FML

#21110183
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38908) - you deserved it (5420)

On 04/11/2014 at 9:48am - misc - by brodinn (man) - United States (Kentucky)



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