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Today, I bought a new computer. I gave my old one to my mother. After handing it over and going home, I realised I forgot to change the background picture, a naked photo of my girlfriend. FML

by picaboo / 08/10/2009 at 12:41pm / Singapore / Miscellaneous

Today, I invited everyone to a gig I'm playing at a bar. They closed it down just for me when I told them how many people were attending, and I spent all day setting it up. Turns out nobody showed up besides my mom, my dad, and 2 of my cousins. I still had to play 7 songs in front of them. FML

by playinmyguitar / 08/15/2009 at 11:02am / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a prank call. I now wish he'd call back so I can actually talk to someone. FML

by MelanieP / 08/28/2009 at 11:39pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my friends took me out to the most expensive restaurant in town to celebrate my promotion, we ordered everything with expensive drinks too. They 'took a smoke break' and left me with the bill. FML

by howrude / 09/11/2009 at 7:57am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I decided to surprise my husband in the shower. I got in and we were talking and goofing around and I stuck out my chest and sucked in my stomach being stupid and my husband says "Wait! Do it again! That's how you looked when I first met you." FML

by WOWreally / 09/25/2009 at 2:24am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I was at a stop light and a bee landed on my leg. I screamed and started swatting it. It flew into my jacket and I started to strip my jacket off, taking my foot off the brake. I hit the car in front of me and deployed the air bag, breaking my nose. Then the bee stung me in the back. FML

by Anstice / 10/04/2009 at 11:07pm / United States (Indiana) / Transportation

Today, I was babysitting my niece when we decided to play hide and seek. I went in the shed, and waited. After waiting a while, I went to go back inside to see what was happening. I saw my niece had locked all the doors and was eating cookies on the kitchen bench. FML

by vbscb / 10/07/2009 at 6:42am / Australia (New South Wales) / Kids

Today, I had to chase my dog all the way down the street, watching in horror as she proudly showed all of my neighbors my bra. FML

by Anonymous / 10/10/2009 at 5:53pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I moved out of my parents basement. After I hugged my parents I walked out the door only to remember I left my phone in the kitchen. I open the door and see my parents dancing. FML

by neverStopLaughin / 10/04/2009 at 4:31pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, my roommate revealed that the reason he's so grumpy is because he hasn't gotten laid in a year. I'm his only female friend, and the entire time he talked to me, he stared at my chest. FML

by Anonymous / 10/20/2009 at 11:42pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, while on the crapper, I learned that morphine has a nasty side-effect. It appears that it can cause a massive rock-hard piece of dung the size of a bus to form in your intestines. I went to the doctor, he handed me a glove and some laxatives and said "Have fun!" FML

by Rob / 10/15/2009 at 9:59pm / Health

Today, as I was driving with my boyfriend, he pointed out what a crappy car I drive. About how the locks don't work, the vents are broken, the windshield wipers are busted, my headlights aren't bright, and a hubcap is missing. Then he said I’m a good match for my car, 'cos we have the same “personality". FML

by Clunker / 10/24/2009 at 1:07am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I returned home for the first time in a year, and found my entire computer missing. I asked my grandma about this, and she told me that she threw "the TV" away because it "no longer responded to the remote control." FML

by missmycomp / 11/12/2009 at 9:36am / Singapore / Miscellaneous