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Today, I went to a hospital in Uganda, where I'm working with an NGO for the summer. I had a high fever and other symptoms of malaria. They gave me a test, and I don't have malaria. I am now however sick from the water they gave me to wash down a medication to reduce fever. FML

by MalariaFree / 06/14/2009 at 7:08am / Uganda (Kampala) / Health

Today, while working in a restaurant, I took an elderly man to his table under a red colored lamp. He asked me if this was "the red light district." I thought he was just kidding until when I was placing down the menus he leaned in and whispered creepily in my ear, "You know, you're really sexy." FML

by creepedouthostess / 06/17/2009 at 3:12am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I decided I had gathered enough solid evidence to justify dumping my cheating girlfriend. When I turned up, she broke up with me before I had a chance to confront her. Why? Apparently I have trust issues. FML

by Anonymous / 06/17/2009 at 9:03am / New Zealand (Waikato) / Miscellaneous

Today, I surprise my girlfriend by turning up at her flat on her twenty-fourth birthday. She gets up from the couch as I enter and I shout: "Tonight, my cock is going to stab you twenty-four times!" (Okay, that's not smart). That's when her father glances over from the couch and greets me. FML

by Mateo / 12/13/2008 at 10:58pm / Intimacy

Today, I'm reading in the subway sitting one leg over the other. An old lady sits down next to me. After quietly examining me for about two stations she leans over to me and whispers in my ear: "Girl, sitting like all the time will make you end up with a crooked c**t". I'm a man. FML

by jcc / 02/24/2009 at 3:31am / Russian Federation (Moscow City) / Transportation

Today, I told my boss I was bored of being a cashier and would rather go to food prep. He told me I couldn't because my arms were too hairy. I'm a sixteen year old girl. FML

by hairy / 02/25/2009 at 2:15pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, a co-worker superior to me called me "Stephanie" yet again. My name is Ashley. I politely informed her that my name is Ashley and subtely pointed to my work ID. Later, I get called into my supervisor's office. I got written up for correcting someone of higher status that I. FML

by yankeebelle / 03/05/2009 at 7:15pm / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, my blind friend bragged to a group of people that she knew all of us by smell. We all took turns standing in front of her, and she would tell us who we were. When I got in front of her, she thought I was my dog. FML

by Spec / 04/18/2009 at 2:09pm / United States (Alabama) / Animals

Today, I was looking at my recommendations on Amazon, which included several vibrators. Just a few days earlier I was looking at books on anger management. Amazon thinks I need to get laid. They're right. FML

by Anonymous / 04/24/2009 at 6:53pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I texted a girl who I had hooked up with the night before to see if she wanted to hang out again. She responded, "I think we should keep it the way it was, before last night." I just met her last night. FML

by Anonymous / 05/08/2009 at 7:37am / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, I got stopped for shoplifting at a department store. They took me back to the security room and showed me the tapes. I was taking my own designer lipgloss that I had bought a month before out of my purse. FML

by Anonymous / 05/10/2009 at 4:36pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out, and about to have sex, when she asked me to "do that thing we did yesterday". We haven't had sex in 6 days. FML

by conductingfromthegrave / 07/01/2009 at 1:18am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my eye started hurting with unbelievable pain. I couldn't see out of it and I asked my father if he would take me to the hospital, since it was hurting so bad. He said he had to wait for the pizza he ordered for delivery. I had to call a cab to go to the emergency room because of pizza. FML

by Anonymous / 07/05/2009 at 3:36am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous