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Today, during a family dinner, my 5-year-old son excitedly told everyone that I let him use my "douche" last week. My parents glared at me in anger and horror, and only after they left did I find out that his brother had told him that's what my loofah is called. FML

#20915293
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38740) - you deserved it (3142)

On 10/10/2013 at 4:00pm - kids - by Lady Douche of Asscrackington (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, my boyfriend's response to me saying "Most women like a bit of filth in the bedroom every now and again" was to start farting in bed. Not quite what I meant. FML

#20946422
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44378) - you deserved it (10086)

On 11/05/2013 at 1:01pm - intimacy - by roughsexgonewrong (woman) - United Kingdom (London, City of)

Today, I announced my pregnancy to my husband. He responded with, "Well shit, when do these faucets turn on?" and started honking my boobs. FML

#21006112
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37442) - you deserved it (5216)

On 12/26/2013 at 12:27pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Alabama)

Today, my wife and I were watching a football game. While someone was about to score, she started screaming, "Go!" and "Come on! You can do it! Go baby, go!" My first thought was that I wished I could still make her scream like that. FML

#21026614
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53500) - you deserved it (11380)

On 01/13/2014 at 2:48pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Tennessee)

Today, the highlight of my day was when I figured out that my little brother's toy dump truck could actually dump stuff out. I'm 18. FML

#21048030
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36413) - you deserved it (7058)

On 02/02/2014 at 11:13am - misc - by LarissaT18 (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, my mother thought it would be funny to sneak into my room at night and scream like a demon after I had explained to her how scared I was of the exorcist movie I had just seen. She claims it wasn't her. FML

#21054343
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42998) - you deserved it (5831)

On 02/08/2014 at 12:13pm - misc - by so scared - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I came home from a long day from work, only to find a strange woman in my apartment. She explained that my roommate told her it was OK to spend a few days here. I guess he forgot that the room was mine. FML

#21083808
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36039) - you deserved it (2979)

On 03/11/2014 at 3:21am - misc - by why me? (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was walking home, when a car heading the other way hit a traffic cone. I must have been an asshole in a previous life, because the universe decided to make sure the cone flew into the side of my head. The bystanders were shocked for all of two seconds before laughing. FML

#21068594
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41985) - you deserved it (3942)

On 02/22/2014 at 4:02pm - health - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I was randomly selected for a pat-down while at the airport. Being from the south, I said thanks out of pure habit. The guy replied, "No sir, thank YOU." and winked. FML

#21098671
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38032) - you deserved it (4866)

On 03/28/2014 at 4:30pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Maryland)

Today, I watched a drunk guy getting thrown out of a bar, then get tased on the sidewalk outside. He was our designated driver. FML

#21110183
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38897) - you deserved it (5420)

On 04/11/2014 at 9:48am - misc - by brodinn (man) - United States (Kentucky)

Today, I locked myself out of my dorm room. I walked across campus, shoe-less and in nothing but my bathrobe, to find someone who could let me back in. Turns out I hadn't even shut the door properly and so it never actually locked. I can still hear the guy laughing at me. FML

#21120721
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34753) - you deserved it (12605)

On 04/23/2014 at 10:54am - misc - by killmenow (woman) - United States (Louisiana)

Today, while at work, I asked an older customer how he was doing. He told me that he'd just lost his wife. I gave my condolences before he clarified that his wife was not dead, but was lost in Walmart. FML

#21139954
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45395) - you deserved it (6678)

On 05/14/2014 at 7:16pm - work - by oh god. - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I'm babysitting two 6 year old kids. One of them won't stop screaming, and the other kid found his mom's vibrator and won't stop playing spaceship with it. The parents will be home in an hour. FML

#21157917
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40635) - you deserved it (4929)

On 05/31/2014 at 2:40am - kids - by moomanjohnny - United States (California)



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