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Today, my wallet got stolen. I don't have a photo ID to get a temporary debit card, and since I don't have a debit card, I can't go to the DMV to get a new license. FML

by Dixienornous / 06/03/2016 at 7:05am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I lost an art contest to some talentless arsepipe whose piece was literally just a broken heart crudely drawn in her own blood. FML

by can't wait to go home / 06/10/2016 at 3:18pm / Trinidad and Tobago (Port-of-Spain) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried to play with my Wii using the TV remote. FML

by Rush Snake / 01/04/2009 at 10:57pm / Geek

Today, I sneezed so hard I herniated my back. After passing out from the pain I awoke on the floor covered in my own shit and piss. Unable to move, I had to wait in this state for four hours for my wife to return home from work, clean me up and take me to the hospital. FML

by Noname / 01/26/2009 at 7:02pm / Japan (Fukuoka) / Health

Today, I took my friend to the E.R. for an eye infection. While waiting, I proclaimed, "Why, Jesus?!" jokingly. Well, the gigantic biker sitting next to me, who had found religion in prison and is a born again Christian, was not pleased. He spent the next four hours trying to convert me. FML

by mrb72 / 02/03/2009 at 5:48am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird shit. FML

by #201 / 02/05/2009 at 8:23am / United States (Florida) / Animals

Today, I found out that my boyfriend owns and wears more thongs than I do. FML

by asdfghjkl_12 / 02/24/2009 at 11:33pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, I got the courage to ask my mom if I could go to the movies alone on my first date with my new boyfriend. She said ok, which was surprising because she never lets me go anywhere alone. When I got to the theatre with him I saw my mom. She had saved seats for us. FML

by shelteredchild / 03/19/2009 at 8:07pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, while lying in bed with my girlfriend and she was grabbing the fat on my stomach I said to her "stop touching my fat". She replied "so don't touch you at all?" FML

by justinherass / 03/28/2009 at 1:43am / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I was in an audition for a production at this theater in town. The directors at the table loved my audition. One of them said "I'd love to talk to you about coming to TCU." I said "Oh, yeah! I know Harry Parker at TCU who runs the theater department." I said this to Harry Parker. FML

by Zak / 04/02/2009 at 10:12pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, my boss confessed to me that she doesn't know how to change the staples in the staplers at work, so she just switches them when they run out. We work at an office supply store. She makes six figures. I make $10 an hour. And she just got awarded a trip to Aruba for doing a "great job". FML

by Idiocracy / 04/24/2009 at 12:36am / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, my kids told me that for the FIRST time, my cooking was delicious. I made Kraft dinner that night. FML

by Anonymous / 04/28/2009 at 4:47pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, my family and I were parking downtown when my sister yelled to watch out for a man approaching our car. I see him pull something from his pocket. I yell "It's a knife, don't roll down the window!" It was a pen, he was the parking attendant and the window was already rolled down. FML

by parkinglotslayer / 06/10/2009 at 10:28pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous