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Today, a weird friend of my father's decided to visit us. Our house isn't very big, so when he went to the bathroom, I could hear everything. He didn't wash his hands after a massive dump, and when he came out of the bathroom he patted my face. FML

by texasrose921 / 01/26/2015 at 6:29am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, while at work, a customer came up to me, stuck his finger in my armpit, then licked his finger. FML

by Confused and Disgusted / 02/23/2015 at 6:42pm / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, I got pulled over for speaking on my phone. I accepted the fine because I was too ashamed to tell the cute officer that I was actually trying to pop a huge pimple on my cheek. FML

by Anonymous / 02/25/2015 at 5:33am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got to see my best friend for the first time in months. Her first reaction was to say, "Wow, you gained a lot of weight." I actually lost a fair bit. FML

by boyishgirl / 02/27/2015 at 2:14pm / United States (Alaska) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was doing homework and I had my leg bent in a funny position. When I stood up, my hip dislocated. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. When people ask me what happened, I have to say I dislocated my hip doing calculus. FML

by anonymous / 03/25/2015 at 12:24am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, and pretty much every day, my co-worker takes off her shoes while working. The smell of her feet makes me dizzy. I don't know if she's oblivious to the fact that her feet stink, or she just doesn't care. It's affecting the quality of my work. FML

by Anonymous / 03/31/2015 at 1:56am / Asia/Pacific Region / Work

Today, I took my girlfriend to meet my parents. My dad thought it'd be hilarious to act surprised and ask me if I'd already dumped the girlfriend I introduced him to yesterday. She slapped me and stormed out of the house before my dad could tell her it was a joke. FML

by not picking up / 03/20/2015 at 1:50pm / Slovenia (Skofljica) / Love

Today, I was fired from job as a personal trainer. Why? Because I was working out with a friend while off-duty. Apparently, working out with a friend on a day off means I am training them under the table. FML

by anonymous / 03/31/2015 at 12:47pm / United States (Colorado) / Work

Today, I visited my girlfriend's apartment for the first time. I guess she forgot to do some spring cleaning before I showed up, because I saw my laptop on her couch. The same laptop that was stolen from my house along with several other valuables last week. FML

by Anonymous / 04/04/2015 at 12:04am / United States (Maryland) / Love

Today, I bought a garden gnome to spice up my lawn. Tonight, someone threw it right through my living room window. Not only will the repairs cost a ton, my neighbor keeps saying stupid shit to me, like "You must be shattered" and "Looks like you ain't got a window gnome... more." FML

by dickhead / 04/10/2015 at 6:17pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss told me I ask too many questions and that's why they cut my hours in half. Officially, I'm a "Pharmacy Technician in Training", which means I'm trying to teach myself how to do the job without killing someone. All from on the job experience and an outdated textbook. FML

by PharmSlave / 05/01/2015 at 2:12am / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I received a beautiful, heart-felt text from my boyfriend detailing all the ways he loved me. He probably should have emphasized just how big his heart is though because he sent the text to three other women too. Thank you, group messaging. FML

by Anonymous / 06/02/2015 at 1:03am / Love

Today, I got a nose piercing. I was asleep at the time in my backyard, and the piercer was a snake. FML