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Today, to keep my phone safe while I went on some rides, I took it out of my pocket so I could put it in my bag. Just as I pulled it out, a woman ran into me, knocking my phone to the ground and breaking the screen. FML

by bandit99999 / 08/19/2011 at 2:59pm / United States (Virginia) / Transportation

Today, I got a text message from a number I don't know saying "I'm sorry, but I'm cheating on you, I couldn't do this in person because you're ugly when you cry." I haven't had a relationship in 6 years and I still manage to get dumped. FML

by j_babydoll6520 / 08/26/2011 at 7:09am / Australia (Victoria) / Love

Today, my girlfriend told me she knows I've been cheating on her, and is desperate to prove she's "better than that other slut, or it's over between us." I've been pushed down and forcefully kissed ten times now. All because she saw a pic online of me kissing a girl. It was her. FML

by waj9876 / 09/08/2011 at 8:34pm / United States (Kentucky) / Intimacy

Today, I went to Walmart with my Dad, and he decided to kick me in the butt while I was walking. When I went to kick him back, I hit my own leg out from beneath myself and landed on my face. The most embarrassing thing was that the people who saw all started clapping. FML

by Krystyn Gareau / 09/09/2011 at 12:10am / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend asked me to beat him up so he could look tough around his friends. When I just stared at him, he added, "Please don't break anything though. Nothing too serious." FML

by toughbf / 09/27/2011 at 4:28am / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, I was chatting with a customer who comes regularly to my job. He sticks his hand out and I put my hand on his, thinking he's giving me a high five. He was just waiting for his receipt. FML

by Kate / 10/16/2011 at 10:50pm / United States / Work

Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the cheek at school. I missed, and walked away awkwardly. Later on, a teacher stopped me and told me how bad I failed. FML

by fmlifer / 11/04/2011 at 12:29am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I walked into the Macy's bathroom to find Santa taking a dump with the door open. Merry Christmas. FML

by tishihish / 12/12/2011 at 12:15am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, after staying up all night with an excruciating headache, it finally went away. I crawled into bed and snuggled up to my husband only to have him shift positions and elbow me right in the head. FML

by wideawakeandinpain / 12/17/2011 at 6:09am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, my once-alcoholic mom told me that she would sell me for a shot of vodka. FML

by Anonymous / 12/26/2011 at 4:55am / United States / Kids

Today, a kid from school came to my house. He asked my dad if I was at home, because we were "planning a bit of the old, you know..." and made an obscene gesture. Now I'm grounded for a month, and no matter what I say, my dad won't believe that I've never even spoken to the kid before. FML

by shellski / 01/20/2012 at 8:21pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom friended all my friends on Facebook then thought it'd be a good idea to try and act like a teen so she'd be considered 'cool'. FML

by lrgenesis / 02/04/2012 at 3:13am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, my little brother went through all the artistic anatomy reference books and colored in all the nipples and penises with a bright pink sharpie. These books were from the library. FML

by Anonymous / 01/31/2012 at 12:16am / United States (Ohio) / Kids