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Today, I orgasmed in front of someone for the first time. Too bad it was my dad who didn't knock before coming in. FML

by Anonymous / 04/25/2015 at 1:32pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, my daughter cried for ages after finding out that Nick Amaro was written out of Law and Order: SVU. She barely reacted when I told her that her mom and I are getting a divorce. FML

by svunimportant / 05/28/2015 at 11:40am / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend hasn't showered in two weeks. He says he doesn't want his "manliness" to wash off. FML

by Anonymous / 08/02/2015 at 5:16am / Canada / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex quite aggressively. Towards the end, he lifted his hips off the bed and then headbutted me in the nose. The only thing that came today was blood all over my new bra. FML

by mallycat14 / 06/25/2015 at 12:26pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, after finally spending the night with my longtime crush, it's as if I can still feel her fingers caressing my hair. But wait, no, that's just the head lice she gave me. FML

by Anonymous / 06/26/2015 at 4:08pm / United States (Tennessee) / Love

Today, I politely asked a coworker to stop sticking his chewed-up gum to my desk. It's now 10:57 pm and my tires are slashed. FML

by Ain't going nowhere / 06/24/2015 at 2:49pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, a girl called me a racist, stereotyping asshole. All I did was ask a kid who happens to be Asian to tutor me in math. Which I didn't do just because he's Asian, but rather because he's in college and is actually a brilliant mathematician. FML

by yep, she does have a tumblr / 07/17/2015 at 10:26pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad texted me, saying "My dicks so hard 4 u". I'm desperately hoping he meant to send that to his girlfriend instead. FML

by Anonymous / 07/01/2015 at 2:56pm / Intimacy

Today, I wanted to text my girlfriend but lately we'd been at a loss for things to talk about. I thought, "Come on, she's your girlfriend, what's the worst that could happen." One hour and twenty two minutes later, I was single. FML

by UnfortunatelySingle / 07/21/2015 at 2:15am / United States (Oregon) / Love

Today, instead of canceling for the third consecutive time due to work-related reasons, my boyfriend sent his twin brother on our date. They both thought I wouldn't notice. FML

by Anonymous / 07/08/2015 at 4:50pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I accidentally texted the girl I like, "Oh god, I just choked on a boner." I meant bone. FML

by Boneo and Juliet / 07/16/2015 at 3:22pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went on a fabulous date with a really cute, smart, funny guy. He only mentioned his dad, so when I asked about his mom, I asked if they were divorced. She'd died of breast cancer so I felt awful. Then I asked if his dad had ever remarried. His stepmom had died of cancer too. FML

by lextoast / 07/26/2015 at 2:15pm / Rwanda / Love

Today, at a quiet restaurant, my stepdad loudly told me he hopes in the future they have "hover caskets" so he doesn't have to carry my "fat ass" to the grave. All because I didn't want a side salad. FML

by jarkleflob / 08/16/2015 at 1:49pm / United States (California) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.