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Today, I was at the store with my wife. As we were walking out, I helped an elderly woman get through the door. As I was opening the door, my foot got stuck on the door and my face was catapulted into the woman's breasts. It wasn't until we got into the car that my wife burst into hysterics. FML

by GreenMonstR / 04/25/2009 at 1:09am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I woke up with the worst cold, ever. My nose was running like crazy and my eyes were all puffy. So I stumbled over to the medicine cabinet and took what I thought were three tylenol cold's. Two hours later I'm still sick and I can't leave the bathroom. They were laxatives. FML

by fuckmyliiiiiiife / 04/30/2009 at 9:40pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I was waiting in the car while my mom went into a store to get beer. A few minutes later, some guy was knocking on my window telling me to open the door. I started cursing him out, thinking I was getting attacked. Turns out he worked there and was putting the beer in the car. FML

by Kerrilyn / 05/17/2009 at 10:39am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, at an elementary school a girl showed me her grandma's obituary in the paper and started crying. To stop her from crying I made things out of the rest of the paper, later she asked me where her grandma's obituary was. I accidentally made it into a hat, with lots of tape. FML

by thechad_144 / 06/01/2009 at 7:42pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was on the deck of a sailboat and I started feeling seasick. I bent over the edge to throw up. After I stood back up, the wind changed direction and the boon swung around, knocking me into the open ocean. FML

by Timmay / 06/05/2009 at 7:43pm / United States / Health

Today, I was on the bus when my crush told me to come and sit with him. I got all excited, especially when he put his arm around me. He then whispered in my ear "Hey, is your friend over there single?" FML

by vishurricanes / 06/09/2009 at 11:34pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I got into an argument with a 7 year old. He said that Obama was the 44th President, I said he was the 42nd. Guess who was right. FML

by feeldumb / 06/11/2009 at 12:33am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, while working in a restaurant, I took an elderly man to his table under a red colored lamp. He asked me if this was "the red light district." I thought he was just kidding until when I was placing down the menus he leaned in and whispered creepily in my ear, "You know, you're really sexy." FML

by creepedouthostess / 06/17/2009 at 3:12am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I decided I had gathered enough solid evidence to justify dumping my cheating girlfriend. When I turned up, she broke up with me before I had a chance to confront her. Why? Apparently I have trust issues. FML

by Anonymous / 06/17/2009 at 9:03am / New Zealand (Waikato) / Miscellaneous

Today, I surprise my girlfriend by turning up at her flat on her twenty-fourth birthday. She gets up from the couch as I enter and I shout: "Tonight, my cock is going to stab you twenty-four times!" (Okay, that's not smart). That's when her father glances over from the couch and greets me. FML

by Mateo / 12/13/2008 at 10:58pm / Intimacy

Today, I'm reading in the subway sitting one leg over the other. An old lady sits down next to me. After quietly examining me for about two stations she leans over to me and whispers in my ear: "Girl, sitting like all the time will make you end up with a crooked c**t". I'm a man. FML

by jcc / 02/24/2009 at 3:31am / Russian Federation (Moscow City) / Transportation

Today, I told my boss I was bored of being a cashier and would rather go to food prep. He told me I couldn't because my arms were too hairy. I'm a sixteen year old girl. FML

by hairy / 02/25/2009 at 2:15pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, a co-worker superior to me called me "Stephanie" yet again. My name is Ashley. I politely informed her that my name is Ashley and subtely pointed to my work ID. Later, I get called into my supervisor's office. I got written up for correcting someone of higher status that I. FML

by yankeebelle / 03/05/2009 at 7:15pm / United States (Michigan) / Work