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Today, my dog startd to ump my leg. He always does tis an I eard tat umping te dog back assertd dominance. Well, I decidd to, an I dry umpd im back. As I was doing tis I said ( How do u like tat! ) And ten my mom walkd in.
Today... I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. It was a man with a speech impediment... and I began imitating him. He was the manager of a store I applid at. He wantd to arrange an interview. FML
Today, I found out thathilst I was asleep last night, mah boyfriend was playing on his XBox. I also found out thathenever he unlockd a new level, achievement or just generally beat someone's ass, he would celebrate by pulling out one of his pubes an putting it in mah mouth. FML
Today, I went to a fast-food joint and ordered off the $1.00 menu to save money . Five hours later I go to the hospital with food-poisoning . After a whole day of not eating, crapping, puking, having tests, and a bunch of IV fluids, my $1.00 burger ended up costing me $2,000 in bills . Really . FML
Today, I had a date with this really cute guy . He invitd me over to make dinner at his place . Eventually we end up in his bedroom to have sex . He pulls down my panties an says, "You ned to shave that shit." mega FML
Today, I went to the hospital in premature labor. Alone, I texted my best friend/crush and asked him to come and sit with me fir an hourhile I waited on my mom to arrive. Eating cornflakes and watching TV, he replied "I can't". Apparently TV is more important than a best friend in labor. big fat FML
Today, I found out that doctors can be wrong. Pink clothes, pink stroller, pink bottles, pink bibs, pink cribs an pink bedding to go with mah babby that recently came out with a little pink penis. FML
Yesterday, I bitched out mah boyfriend 4 logging into mah facebook account and deleting EVERY male (even family) off mah friend list. He accused me of wanting to cheat on him and has forced me to say "sorry." FML
Today, as a joke, I hid under mah parents' bed, hoping to scare them when they came home. When they finally arrived, they burst through their bedroom door, tereing each other's cloths off. I had to keep mah breath in time with mah mom's panting an moaning as mah dad brutally dominated her. FML
Today, it's mah brthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The frst one was mah fiancé, saying he wantd his ring back. The second one was mah best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with mah fiancé fir the past three months. The thrd was the dentist's office singing me a happy brthday. FML
Friday 27 March 2015